Declan, 58
My libido is something we joke about, because I generally crave sex more than Celine
Even after 35 years of marriage, I regularly daydream about my wife. Often, when we are pottering around the house together, I undress Celine in my head. She laughs when I tell her what I’m imagining. My libido is something we joke about, because I generally crave sex more than Celine does. Over the decades I have had to find ways to dissipate some of my sexual energy. Masturbation is an outlet. I’ve also got really into cycling.
Sex has never become a bone of contention, because we talk openly about our mismatched libidos. Early in our relationship we started using a technique called the “sit down” to tackle difficult topics: we spend an hour taking it in turns to talk for five minutes, without interruption. So, I would have to bite my tongue while Celine said that she didn’t have the same energy for sex as I did, after an exhausting work week. Then she would bite hers while I spoke about feeling sexually frustrated. Because I wasn’t allowed to cut Celine off, I was able to see the issue from her point of view. Celine may not want sex 10 times a week, but that doesn’t mean she no longer loves or desires me.
Another routine we have relied on is a Saturday “sex date”. Our children knew they had to eat breakfast alone on a Saturday (as preteens they thought we were upstairs playing Scrabble). I leave it to Celine to initiate; I’m conscious she shouldn’t feel pressured. If she’s not in the mood we will have tea and a chat in bed. But designating time for intimacy makes it more likely to happen.
My libido has tailed off a bit in recent years, whereas Celine’s hasn’t. My metabolism has slowed down so I’m not strutting around the bed like a young stud any more; I’m under the covers. Usually, all Celine has to do to snap me out of my body-insecurity is to crawl between the sheets and give me a cuddle. I feel on more shaky ground because I’m not as virile as I once was, but it’s nice that Celine’s sex drive and my own are now more evenly matched. She’s taken on the role of seducer, and I’m enjoying being seduced.
Celine, 60
I began to think about my sex drive in more technical terms, which helped take the emotion out of the issue
During our honeymoon period my libido was higher than Declan’s, but about two years into our relationship I started, intermittently, to lose all desire for sex. My job was draining and by the time I climbed into bed at night I had nothing left to give. I knew we had a solid, nurturing relationship, so I began to think there was something wrong with me. Denying Declan pleasure made me feel guilty and a failure.
I always enjoyed sex once Declan and I actually got started. The problem was getting myself to the point where I wanted to start. When I thought about sex in the abstract I didn’t feel aroused, just tired and guilty. I suggested that we schedule sex for Saturday mornings, because knowing there was a weekly time cordoned off for intimacy removed the daily pressure to do it, and gave me time to mentally prepare. I began to think about my sex drive in more technical terms, which helped take the emotion out of the issue. I realised my starter motor got going more slowly than Declan’s, but once it was revved up, my engine was just as powerful.
I also implemented a Friday night “no sex date”, where Declan and I put on music and danced around the kitchen. So when Saturday morning rolled around it felt like a natural progression of the night before. I am more likely to want sex on a Saturday if we have connected in non-sexual ways in the week before. Monthly sit-downs also improved things.
Declan’s libido has decreased in the past couple of years. Previously, he was always raring to go within seconds, but now he sometimes needs a little teasing. It’s arousing having to work a bit, and come up with creative ways to touch him. Occasionally, I even want sex more than Declan does. Last weekend we had sex, had a nap, and then I initiated it again.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?
