The Dilemma I’m 36, have been married for six months and have a two-month-old daughter. From the day she was born we asked everyone not to post social media pictures of her. My sister-in-law had already posted one, but immediately removed it and apologised. We offered to remove any of our niece and nephew, but were told we didn’t need to. At the same sister-in-law’s birthday another one containing our daughter was posted and then removed after we pointed out our wishes again. Tit-for-tat about double standards escalated over text, with my wife and I being asked to remove any pictures of their children, which of course we were happy to do all along. My wife now says we are not to have anything to do with my brother and his family. I’ve had to say this to my brother and he was shocked. I’m heartbroken. I’ve tried speaking to my wife, but am met with: “You’re choosing your brother and his family over your own.” I’m unable to eat or sleep and don’t want this to get worse. I can’t see a way out.
Mariella replies Let’s try. First, I’m surprised this hasn’t come up as a topic here before. It’s a conundrum faced by all of us as our private worlds leak steadily into the public sphere. I used to firmly believe that children had a right to anonymity until they were old enough to make rational choices about what “public life” really meant. That horse has well and truly bolted. Nevertheless, it’s still possible to try to protect the youngest and most vulnerable among us – as your wife seems determined to do.
I’ve often thought, while rustling through celebrity magazines in the hairdressers, that there should be a law against parading your kids as part of the “family firm”. Turning children into saleable commodities before they can toddle is surely a breach of their basic human rights, while profiting from such initiatives should be a crime. But before I get on my own high horse let me offer a disclaimer.
When I became a parent, such concerns were mainly the preserve of those in the public eye. As a minor celebrity it was something I had to consider early on. When a paparazzi snapped shots of my days-old daughter as I pushed her pram in west London, I swiftly discovered the inadequacy of protection for children’s (and indeed parents’) rights. Ensuring my firstborn’s anonymity, far from being standard practice was, it turned out, a matter requiring huge investment, a legal team and accommodating newspaper editors.
Suffice it to say only the super-rich can afford to get their kids pixelated. We made the decision to tolerate their presence in the occasional picture that might be consumed beyond the family circle, but not if they were identifiable. You’ll find plenty of pictures of the backs of their heads from the early 2000s. I know, I know, hardly an act of emphatic, rigorous principle, but at the time it felt like a realistic and affordable choice.
Most kids these days are breaching their own privacy well before their 13th birthday, so I’m left wondering how sustainable your wife’s emphatic position is. As soon as a child learns to manage a smartphone and its idiot-proof apps, they can shoot and upload images by themselves. Only the other day I stopped myself sending a shot of my son at a local festival to friends, only to find he’d posted videos of himself and his mates dancing for the world’s delectation, or at least that of his ever-expanding online social circle. So, whether and how to protect my teenagers has become a moot point and despite my constant chastising (and I do see the irony), they’ve embraced their online lives as enthusiastically as the rest of their generation.
I’ve explored at length the notion of displaying your child for all to see, but I’m not sure that’s actually what’s at the heart of your problems. Although your wife has every right to prefer to keep her baby’s likeness off social media, her intolerance of your feelings suggests a greater issue. Dictating her desires and banishing your wider family suggests her motives, though perhaps not obvious even to her, are not as righteous as she might imagine. In your letter you give the impression that you do use social media and have removed, rather than refrained from uploading, pictures of your nieces and nephews. The fact that your principles only apply to your own baby is as hypocritical as it gets so I won’t labour the point as you can’t be unaware of it.
Personally, I think you two need to do some serious talking about how a partnership works. Long term, the support of your family is important and posting congratulatory pictures of your baby is hardly a crime, even if it is insensitive and unthinking. The world has turned on its axis and the Snapchat/Insta generation is here to stay. Learning how to negotiate it will be just one of many lessons you’ll need to teach your child as she grows up. More importantly, if you and your wife are to make the journey of getting your daughter to adulthood together, you are going to have to find a better way of communicating. She has given you the perfect opportunity to begin that conversation.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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