This is how we do it: ‘I’ve had more sex in the past two years than in the rest of my life’

Violet, 74

I used to have trouble taking my clothes off with the lights on. Now I’m perfectly happy to hang naked from the ceiling

When I met Oliver I was 72, but sexually I felt like a novice. My 30-year marriage had been passionless. My ex-husband and I did have sex in the early days, but it was very conventional: we only ever tried two positions. A year into dating Oliver, he presented me with a tiny vibrator as a Valentine’s gift, and I was amazed. I had heard of vibrators, but had never seen one in real life.

I have always struggled to have orgasms during intercourse. It’s easier when I masturbate, but I feel inhibited in the presence of a partner. At the beginning of our marriage, I think my ex-husband wanted me to feel pleasure, but he didn’t care enough to ask me what I liked. He was an angry man, and that element of his personality worsened as we got older. Over the years I started to recoil when he approached me. Sometimes when we were going to sleep, he would rub himself against my back until he orgasmed. I didn’t like that, but it was easier than having to engage.

I created an online dating profile after my divorce, but I was terrified. I hoped to find love, but as sex had always been so unpleasurable for me, I worried I was defective in some way. Meeting Oliver was a revelation, because he is so patient and caring. I still haven’t achieved an orgasm through his touch alone, but he encourages me to touch myself while he watches. The other day, I masturbated next to him while he was asleep and had multiple orgasms. When I told him in the morning, rather than feeling put off or left out, he was genuinely excited and happy for me.

Oliver has neck and shoulder issues which make some positions painful for him. His creative solution was to buy a “sex sling” and suspend it from the ceiling. I sit in the sling, and he has sex with me standing up. When I first met Oliver, I had trouble taking my clothes off with the lights on, and now I’m perfectly happy to hang naked from the ceiling. My 70s are turning into my most experimental decade: I’ve had more sex in the two years since I met Oliver than all the rest of my years.

Oliver, 78

I want Violet to have an orgasm with me in the room, but I don’t mind how we achieve that

I love the way Violet looks at me: she has the deepest, most inquiring eyes I’ve ever seen. She approaches the world with an openness and honesty which is very freeing. I was terribly lonely when we met. I was grieving the death of my partner, but I always felt able to talk to Violet about my grief. No subject is forbidden between us: Violet encourages me to share every piece of my character and my past.

That openness of hers extends to the bedroom: Violet would be the first to admit she hasn’t had much sexual experience, but she makes me feel like I can share all my fantasies and desires with her. There’s no fear of judgement or recrimination.

One desire I shared recently was to have sex with Violet in a sling attached to the ceiling. My shoulders have become stiff and painful, so we use the sling as a sex aid. We live in a remote rural area, so there’s no danger of the neighbours peeping in. Violet sits in the sling while I penetrate her standing up. It’s painful for me to lie down in our bed and have sex but bed, to me, is one of the least interesting places you can have sex, so in some ways my issues have made our intimate life more adventurous.

Violet has trouble reaching orgasm, and we’re working on that. Sometimes I feel a little guilty, because it’s so easy for me, but I try not to make a big deal out of it, as I don’t think pressure will help the situation. I’ve also suggested that Violet touch herself while I watch, and I’ve introduced a couple of sex toys. It’s obvious to me that she knows how to touch her body better than I do. I want Violet to have an orgasm with me in the room, but I don’t mind how we achieve that, so long as she’s happy. The other night Violet had a session with the vibrator while I was asleep, and she reached orgasm, so that is an exciting step forward.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?


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