My girlfriend and I are deeply in love. We live in different countries, and have yet to meet, but I am convinced we are the perfect match. We both love sex, but with no end date in sight for the pandemic, we don’t know when we’ll be able to see each other. We’ve discussed everything, with painful honesty at times – even that we’ve both had thoughts of having sex with someone else. We’re amazed that we can discuss this. For now, though, it’s off the table. But what should we do in the meantime, while we wait for the borders to open?
I am sorry you are facing such a tough relationship challenge on top of the massive problems presented by Covid. It does sound as if the feelings you are having have intensified as the Covid restrictions increased. I cannot solve this for you, but I can help you to understand the process and to put it in perspective. An erotic charge will usually increase when there is an obstacle. It is often seen when a couple cannot easily connect physically because there is parental or societal disapproval; the tension and “forbidden” nature of the union actually serves to elevate the excitement of being together. In your case, the obstacle is the distance necessitated by Covid, and it is quite naturally causing you enormous excitement as well as unbearable frustration. Try to find calming strategies, such as meditation and exercise, and prepare yourself for many changes – including disappointments – that could occur once you are able to meet in person.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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