What to say to someone who is grieving

At the time of writing, over 10,000 people have tragically died from coronavirus.

To make the loss even harder, people are unable to say goodbye; partly because their loved ones are isolated and partly due to difficulties organising and attending funerals during this time.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one – either due to COVID-19 or another reason – it can be very difficult to know what the ‘right’ thing is to say to them, or if you should say anything at all, especially if you have never been in this type of situation before.

We asked people who have experienced loss what others did for them that helped, as well as what they wish people hadn’t done or said.

Here’s what they told us.

Katheryn, 25

‘I lost my dad suddenly when I was 15, one of my friends mums recommended that I write him a letter just to help me figure out my own feelings etc.

‘I’ve written him letters ever since and it’s coming up 10 years now.

‘People should never ask how it happened. Especially when it’s fresh.

‘It’s so insensitive and makes you almost relive it in your mind, it’s the worst feeling ever.

‘Just let people open up naturally and they’ll tell you if they want.’

Heather, 67

‘Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing.

‘Or to admit you don’t know what to say. Cliches really aren’t that helpful.’

Claie, 46

‘I don’t think anyone said anything that upset me, but I found cards being sent by friends etc. the most lovely thing.

‘It’s something people don’t tend to do in any other circumstance (not even birthdays so much), so to wake up when you’re feeling absolutely bereft to a doormat covered in cards from people saying they were thinking of you – even those you haven’t spoken to for years – was so lovely.

‘I also loved it when people shared their memories of my dad. Knowing that he had made an imprint into someone’s memory in some wonderful way was really comforting. And I loved people telling me what he was like from their perspective. 

‘I learned that my dad was such a generous, nurturing boss. Obviously I thought he was awesome, but being a journalist you don’t necessarily think of them taking the time to be kind in a newsroom – but apparently he always was.’

Momtaz

‘Don’t pretend it hasn’t happened, the worst is when people just don’t mention it.

‘When my mum died my flatmates didn’t mention it, not even to say sorry, just carried on talking to me as normal when I got back even though I’d been off home for a month.

‘I don’t think there’s a right or wrong thing to say you should just feel like you can say something as the person will appreciate it more than saying nothing.’

Victoria, 25

‘I found it really helpful when I was told “you need to stay strong now to make mum proud, because she wouldn’t want to look and see you sad and upset”.

‘I also found it helpful when I was told that you can find meaning even in death.

‘It’s helpful if you can find a positive outlet for your grief. My mum suffered with mental illness throughout her life so I have become an advocate for mental health, it makes me feel closer to her.

‘Finally I have been told that time is healer. I wish I was told that this is not completely true. Grief is like a wave, just the waves are calmer and hit less frequently over time. They can hit unexpectedly.’

Jessica, 25

‘For me, what’s appropriate to say during times of grief depends on who you’re grieving and the circumstances surrounding their passing.

‘I’ve lost grandparents and a school friend. What can be comforting in one instance can be offensive in the other.’

Nikki, 34

‘When my baby died people just generally avoided me. Crossed the street etc.

‘I know it’s because they didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to say the wrong thing but honestly the best thing would have been “hey, good to see you, hope you’re okay”.’

Gabriella

‘I lost my dad when I was 16 and people always said “every day will get easier” and I hated it.

‘Because some days would be okay and some I’d just want to cry all day. It’s not a calendar of when you’ll feel better about death, not each day was easier some were about five steps back.

‘Also I wish people knew how much their memories of the person matter, so if someone who knew my dad even vaguely shares their memory of him with me it means a lot.

‘I feel a lot of people don’t share because they don’t want to upset but it helps to keep the memory of them alive and also helps to create a picture who they were as a person instead of just who they were as my dad if that makes sense.’

Jo, 29

‘”It’s ok to be sad, please talk to me anyway because I want to be here for you”.

‘Or just “I honestly don’t know what to say, is there anything I can do to be helpful/just let me know” are both decent ways to open conversation I think.’

Do you have a story you want to share with us?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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