It is the third day of a new decade. Donald Trump has picked a fight with the mullahs, Dominic Cummings says there’s not enough weirdos in government, and people are queuing around the block for a non-steak bake made of soil mould, on the grounds it doesn’t fart.
The world is quite literally on fire, and all we’re bothered about is the correct way to cook a potato waffle and Meat Loaf puns. Humans are screwed, I tells ye. Scer-REWED.
Donald Trump is going to be re-elected this year, and there’s nothing Susan Sarandon can do about it. Boris Johnson has a majority big enough to rival his sense of entitlement, and barring a sex scandal of Prince Andrew proportions he’ll probably be in Downing Street longer than his girlfriend. Her Majesty’s Opposition is busily trying to find out what bit of its colon we can least admire, and it looks like Jeremy Corbyn can’t be left on his allotment until spring.
We have a system that has honoured, in spite of all the evidence, Iain Duncan Smith. A Queen who was not notably bothered by the Windrush scandal, but truly aerated by the possibility international polo players would not be able to get visas for their grooms. And the PM’s main adviser is recruiting 21-year-olds with a high opinion of themselves because he has no time for the experienced people who’ve been running the country for decades.
It’s not the injection of fresh blood and ideas that worries – it’s the fact that the people making the decisions, and those implementing them, use entirely different operating systems. It’s like getting a smartphone to interface with a typewriter. Good luck with that.
It’s tempting, then, to despair. And it’s traditional, too, when the sun is on holiday, the clothes don’t fit and you’re surrounded by prats proselytising about diets and teetotalism and why it’s all cows’ fault.
But here’s a 5-step plan to help you get through the 2020 winter blues, my brothers*:
(Image: Rex)
1. Save the NHS
As Dr Miriam Stoppard points out today, the NHS is in more danger from Type 2 diabetes than it is Donald Trump. Reason being, UK-US trade deals need a degree of public and democratic consent, while getting fatter just requires cake.
Your correspondent became a walking, talking sausage roll on about December 12, and is now in an abusive relationship with an exercise bike. I know people maimed by roadside bombs who still go to the gym, people with only one limb who lift weights. Bad back? Go swimming. Fresh air is free, it’ll be easier next week, and if you lack the motivation, consider the fact that diabetes sucks up 10% of the NHS budget – more than £10bn a year. It’ll be almost double that in another 15 years.
Not only are 1 in 6 hospital beds occupied by someone with diabetes, 80% of the costs are for the entirely-avoidable side-effects that take years to develop: circulation issues, heart disease, damage to nerves, kidneys and eyes, Alzheimer’s. While it’s important to remember 10% of diabetics are born with the Type 1 condition they have no control over, 90% have Type 2, the sort that is usually caused by weight and laziness.
You probably cannot have any impact on a Trump trade deal, an ageing population, or the cost of medical research. But in the next 5 years you probably CAN make it less likely the NHS has to spend 10% of its money on a problem it doesn’t need. Eat less, and move more: it’s not complicated. Leave cake to the weekends, and if you’re tempted by a taco remember that Trump eats those.
Then picture him naked.
(Image: USA TODAY Sports)
2. Save the planet
Don’t buy into ‘vegan alternatives’, for the love of all that’s holy. Many of them are moulds and funguses grown in water-intensive, fuel-hungry industrial complexes that have frightening carbon footprints all of their own. And unless you’re a worm, your gut’s not built for large amounts of soil mould.
And some tofu’s got gypsum in it. GYPSUM.
Many ‘vegan’-labelled foods use mushroom protein as a base. Industrial quantities of mushroom requires industrial quantities of manure – usually chicken poo, usually from chicken factories. Wake up and smell the hummus! In fact, why not eat the hummus instead? And vegetables? And fruit that’s not been flown in? Fake bacon ain’t going to save anyone, and nor will half-arsed hippies suckered by big business trying to turn a buck out of the latest trend enjoyed by absolute divots who don’t read the label.
If you want to save the planet, get a second-hand car, not a new one. Don’t have a third child. Buy tea leaves not bags. Use the massive subsidies available to switch your gas boiler for a hydrogen one. Turn the thermostat down, the taps off, and only flush the stinky stuff.
Oh, and don’t buy any more Meat Loaf.
(Image: Cavendish Press (Manchester) Ltd)
3. Save your money
We all need more cash. If the Bank of England is correct, we’re not about to be given any. And despite all the headline talk about the ‘Roaring Twenties’, it’s worth bearing in mind the 1920s they’re harking back to were awful for everyone except The Great Gatsby, and were followed by the 1930s which were significantly worse.
But children – Christmas – student loans – credit cards. Personal debt is at record levels. Most of us have a negative amount of money. There are plenty of apps to help you cut costs, but here’s a better way. Set yourself a target, like a holiday or car or project. And every time you spend money, save 10% of the value.
If you spend £36 on a train ticket, put £3.60 in a savings account. A £4 sandwich turns into 40p saved, £50 to put petrol in the car means another fiver. You save tiny amounts you won’t notice losing, it builds quickly, and controls your spending to boot. Making your own sandwich is suddenly a more attractive option than that limp thing from the canteen.
Use the banking app on your phone to do it with every purchase, and hey presto – money. I’ve done it for 24 hours and have £20 already. That will be £7,240 by the end of the year, if I can keep it up.
4. Save your sanity
The past few years of circular argument have sapped us all. You’re either like the Labour Party, still having that argument even though everyone has walked away, or like the Tories, unable to gather any coherent thoughts because WIN! keeps flashing up in front of your eyes and you have yet to grasp the prize was a near-impossible job you lack the ability to accurately describe, never mind complete.
Or maybe you’re like the Lib Dems. Existing, but without knowing why.
Turning off Twitter is going to make zero difference to anything unless 3billion other people delete all their social networks at the same time. If you loathe the echo chamber, start following people from the ‘other’ team; if you hate the tone, do your bit to change it. And if you worry about the amount of time you spend scrolling, updating, worrying, churning and otherwise obsessing, turn the data roaming off on your phone.
That way you can get online only when you have access to wifi, and will probably reduce your screen time significantly. Read a book, open a window, fine-tune plans to spend all that lovely money that’s suddenly appeared.
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And the 5th step?
Climate change, aggressive farming methods, tribal politics and the inescapable logic of capitalism all contributed to the death of the Mayan civilisation, which spanned almost 10,000 years, and developed writing, art, maths and astronomy, at a time when Europeans had barely managed to move out of caves.
The same problems have heralded the collapse of empires, kingdoms and systems of government worldwide and throughout human history. It would help if humans could figure this out because it has cost many lives, and also makes us look stupid.
But we are still here. There are always survivors. And they’re usually the ones who plan, save, and think. So:
5. Save yourself.
If you do that, you will have managed all of the previous 4 steps, and outlived Trump, Johnson, Meat Loaf, Prince Andrew and everyone else who annoys you. Now that’s a reason to be cheerful about the next 5 years!
