Name: Tom Hiddleston.
Age: 38.
The footballer? Midfielder, now with Derby, formerly Tottenham? No, that’s Tom Huddlestone.
Yeah, yeah, I know. The Night Manager, right? And many other things besides. Star of stage and screens big and small, winner of multiple gongs – Golden Globes, Laurence Olivier awards – nominated for two Emmys …
Bloody hell, I hate him. Before that Oxford, double first, in classics.
Eton? ’Fraid so.
Dated a few pretty laydeez, has he, over the years? Fellow actor Susannah Fielding; global superstar Taylor Swift, briefly. He is now said to be stepping out with Zawe Ashton, as well as starring alongside her in a play.
Which one? Betrayal. It was at the Harold Pinter theatre in London. Then it transferred to Broadway.
Good reviews? Yeah, pretty good. “Revelatory”, said the New York Times. Hiddleston gives a “charged performance”, said Variety. “Superb”, said the Hollywood Reporter. But who cares what theatre critics think any more? Much more interesting is what the average punter in the audience says. For example, the woman, reported to be in her 30s, in seat B3 …
Go on then, what did the woman in B3 say? “Ha.”
Ha? She thought it was funny? Pinter? Maybe more like “Haaaaa”, or “Aaaaahhh”, but he wrote “Ha”.
Who did? A man who was sitting behind her during the performance and later posted on the All That Chat message board.
More explanation needed. OK, so this fella is sitting in the row behind the woman in B3, and during one particularly saucy bit in which Hiddleston is kissing his on-stage/off-stage lover, writes the man: “My companion could feel a rhythmic banging against his armrest, punctuated by occasional low moans and giggles.”
Oh my God, that kind of “ha”. It “got faster and faster until there was one slightly louder ‘Ha’, and she resumed her normal seat position, put her head back and closed her eyes,” his post continues.
She was masturbating, in a public place? Imagine if a man had done that. Well yes, quite. But oddly, people seem to just be having a jolly good laugh about it, even saying it is a ringing endorsement of Hiddleston’s acting prowess.
Fake news? If so, she was very good at it.
Do say: “Any seat in the house is fine, apart from B3, please.”
Don’t say: “Encore!”
