This is how we do it: ‘We’ll put on our sex playlist and change the lights to purple. It ignites a fire inside us’

Jasper, 43

I’ve been through an awakening

Ellen and I met through work many years ago and gradually became friends. Both our marriages fell apart during the pandemic and about a year later the friendship got stronger, and so did our desires. Both of us had been in a marriage where sex just wasn’t there. It was difficult to talk about it with my ex: it was almost taboo.

And now I feel liberated. It’s something that is important to us simply because we are very attracted to each other. We have that same desire and want to communicate what we want in our life and from making love. That openness was not there in my marriage, and I now see that the unhappiness in that relationship came from a lack of intimacy. I suppose I’ve been through an awakening.

Ellen and I live separately but there are probably only one or two nights a week that we don’t have sex. Often we’ll have to be discreet because of the children – I have two kids from my marriage and she has three from hers. Ellen’s bed is quite noisy, and there was a time when her kids asked us what that banging was. There are moments in the morning when we think it’s safe and then we’ll hear running down the corridor and have to quickly stop what we’re doing.

We have found techniques for having sex as quietly as possible, but there will be a couple of nights every two weeks where we don’t have any children and we can go on for a couple of hours. We’ve kept this up throughout our three and a half years together because during the day we are constantly holding hands and touching each other. And when we’re not together, we send each other flirty messages, so there is this constant connection.

Ellen likes to wear sexy outfits; she had never done that before, but had always wanted to. She’ll surprise me by dressing up, and then I’ll know exactly what she has on her mind. Sometimes we might start by just massaging each other, then we’ll put our sex playlist on Spotify. We’ll change the lights to purple – I don’t know why but it seems to ignite a fire inside of both of us.

On those nights I feel like I’m addicted to seeing Ellen climax. I sort of crave that: it’s intoxicating.

Ellen, 38

I think sex makes me a happier person, especially to feel so desired and to desire someone so much

I got married just before my 23rd birthday and I’d had all my children by the time I was 28, so I was quite young. We grew apart and barely had sex. Then during lockdown our relationship just imploded. Before reaching my 30s I was very naive, and had grown up understanding that sex was more for the pleasure of the man – it was about him having an orgasm rather than me.

I had my first orgasm at 30, after I got a vibrator. But I hid it from my partner at the time – I felt worried as we had never talked openly about sex. I don’t think I fully understood what it felt like to have an orgasm – I faked them with my ex. But once I’d had one, it was amazing. I couldn’t believe what I’d been missing.

Now, sex and lovemaking are an important part of my relationship with Jasper. Because we had both come from unhappy marriages and had our own children, it was vital from the start that we were open and transparent – and not just about what we want in the bedroom. So that communication seeps into other parts of our relationship.

We obviously aren’t each other’s firsts, but there are lots of firsts we’ve given each other. He gave me my first orgasm without the use of a toy, and I gave him his first blowjob. It’s nice to have that connection and bond. I didn’t realise how important sex was to me until I found it. I now know I was missing out on a good sex life before. I think sex makes me a happier person – both feeling desired and to desire someone back.

Sex is something that we work really hard at because we don’t want the kinds of relationships we had before. We once did role playing while on holiday and took on new identities as two single strangers. It was so exciting to feel like we were having a really hot one-night stand.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?


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