In New York, beleaguered stepmothers are paying $500 per hour to receive stepmother coaching. Presumably rich beleaguered stepmothers. As a stepmother I know from experience it’s a tough gig, but recent studies have also revealed that statistically stepmothers are the most vulnerable member of a “blended family”. The stepmother’s opinion is considered the least important. Which is why I love doing standup comedy because it’s all my opinion and it is VERY important.
Important, but not expensive – an hour of my advice will set you back just £10 for my aptly titled show Mother – and here I offer the wisdom built up over 12 years to you for free. You should feel very privileged to read it as I’ve had to take time away from my castle, talking to my enchanted mirror.
Do
Coin your own terms for your family situation. “Blended family” is the new go-to phrase and I am not mad about it. It makes us sound like we’re a smoothie. I suppose it’s better than the alternative which evokes tins of Spam … RECONSTITUTED family. In 2019 it is totally fine to say “our family”, most families are complicated and no one assumes you mean 2.4 children any more. I like to call us a unit. Because we are tight-knit and you wouldn’t want to fight us outside a pub. Stepmothers are often called “non bios” which I also detest; I’m not a washing powder. But if you want to go that route, technically I’m less irritating and safer for all the family.
Don’t
Force your stepchild to call you “mother” or “mum” no matter how young they are when you come into their life. They have a mum and you ain’t it. Realise this early doors and save yourself much future pain. My stepson calls me Tiff – use your name, or even better use mine.
Do
Be a friend and a confidant, it’s actually really great for a child to have someone in the family who they can talk to as a friend. Sometimes if they are struggling they will open up to you in a way they won’t with their parents.
Don’t
Try to be the mother’s friend. Be kind, be civil, but be honest about the boundaries of your relationship.
Don’t
Criticise the mother in front of your stepchild. Ever. Even in the face of wild provocation. If it helps, think of the parent as an extension of the child. If you hurt her, you hurt that child.
Do
Make sure your partner backs you when it comes to house rules and boundaries. It’s never helpful if you argue in front of the child about whether the TV should be on during dinnertime. If you have a difference of opinion on these things, work them out when the kid isn’t around. And then realise that I am right.
Do
Take pride when your stepchild does well. Especially if you helped them achieve a goal. These are shining jewels in the crown of step-parenting. Also remember you will never be given a crown or any other kind of reward. It’s fine, I already have a crown because I live in a castle with an enchanted mirror, remember? Following on from this …
Don’t
Expect any acclaim or thanks from the “bio parent”. (Still hate the washing powder thing either way.) It would be lovely if they occasionally thanked you for actively raising their child, feeding and clothing them but it’s unlikely they will. Also, think how many bio parents hear the phrase: “Am I supposed to be grateful? I DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN.” I know my own mother hears it from me at least once a week.
Do
Find a balance between being the disciplinarian and friend. Kids actually like boundaries, it makes them feel safe.
Do
Be clear that the systems and boundaries you put in place may be different to those at Mum’s, but both are equally important and to be respected.
Do
Offer incentives. This is a time-honoured parenting tip, and the trick is to establish again that rules are different at yours. For example, sometimes my stepson will do chores for pocket money, such as mowing the lawn or going to the shops. He receives a sense of achievement at getting a job done – plus a financial reward. You must be clear that these are the rules when he comes to your house. It doesn’t mean that they apply at home with Mum. You don’t want your stepchild to demand a fiver every time he empties the dishwasher there. His mother may not be able to afford to pay him for mowing the lawn. She may not have a lawn. Again this isn’t a problem for me. I have the castle and the grounds, including the haunted maze, which do require a lot of upkeep.
Do
Remind them every day that they are wanted, loved and a valuable part of the family. Also that they should behave because the enchanted mirror is watching their every move.
• Tiff Stevenson is a standup comedian and actor. Her show Mother is at the Monkey Barrel, Edinburgh Festival until 25 August
