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What type of desert islander are you?
Perhaps you like to get back to nature and go full Bear Grylls. Or perhaps you’d rather a two Michelin-starred Japanese chef craft you a tasting menu while you loll beside your private infinity pool. My hammock swings both ways on this. But let me take you to the latter: Joali Maldives, at Muravandhoo island in the Raa Atoll, lined with white beaches and the turquoise Indian Ocean.
As the seaplane chugged over the waves towards my island paradise, specks of land scrolled beneath me, each a seemingly identical palm-fringed paradise from above. Every so often, one would have the familiar arc of thatched villas curving out across the water — the ubiquitous hallmark of the Maldives’ many luxury resorts. What would make Joali stand out? I wondered.
A dramatic entrance, it turns out: a sweeping arrivals pier resembling two kissing fish struck a vivid first impression. However, Joali isn’t playing a glitzy game of one-upmanship with its Maldives neighbours. My villa, one of 73 on an island a quarter of a mile long, doesn’t boast novelties like waterslides corkscrewing into the sea. Here, bling is ditched in favour of a much more solid, almost stealthy, elegance; pale blue sofas segue to enormous, subtly carved wooden room partitions and on to a rich, sea-green marble bathroom. And with triple-height ceilings, it’s vast — a least double the size of my flat back in London.
All the action (read: incredibly laid-back, luxurious relaxation) happens at the end of a snaking jetty on the island, which is quite a stroll. So my jadugar (Urdu for magician; butler to you and me) was always available with an electric buggy to whisk me wherever I wished. If you’d rather, there are bicycles to borrow; my reward for this slight, two-wheeled effort on my first morning was a thumpingly good hot stone massage.
Everyone knows the no-holds-barred hotel breakfast is the greatest ever invention and Vandhoo, one of Joali’s four restaurants, ends any lingering debate. Eggs Benedict, Florentine, royale or any which way you can imagine, plus a cold room (like a gigantic, regal walk-in fridge) overflowing with different smoothies and granolas, and Ayurvedic shots offering any kind of health benefit you could desire. If you want to cook, Joali’s chefs can also teach you — I made this sushi (below) and I have two left fists.
Of course, I could have completely switched off and lounged around for every day of my trip. Joali is set up for this and I imagine one or two of my fellow guests are hyper-busy CEOs who come here to do just that. But there are speedboats here, as well as Samantha and Jackie — real, bona fide marine biologists. The pair were fantastically knowledgeable on my snorkelling turtle quest, helping me spot plenty of them at close quarters.
After a salty day at sea, you’ll want to get back to hardcore relaxation. And trust me, you’ll want an Atacama Sour from the bar, Mura. Or three, they’re so good. I’d also suggest reclining with your cocktail in — yes, in — one of the artworks dotted around. Try the manta ray treehouse or heron-beak swinging chair, both created by South African designer Porky Hefer.
I spent my final evening at Joali’s fine dining restaurant, Saoke. As friendly sharks glided through the sea below, two-starred chef Takagi served up eight heavenly courses, including the softest salmon ever to pass my lips. I retired afterwards to my never-ending pool for a moonlight soak and decided that, really, I may be leaning towards a more luxurious version of island life after all.
Nick was a guest of Joali. Turquoise Holidays offers seven nights half board in a beach villa with pool from £6,699, including flights with Emirates and seaplane transfers (01494 678400; turquoiseholidays.co.uk)
