We’re sorry if you feel that Priti Patel has the mind of a duck, the compassion of Hannibal Lecter, and the unswerving self-belief of Joe Exotic.
She’s a key worker, working hard at working to give the police all the resources they need to ensure coronavirus does not claim citizenship after it’s claimed our citizens.
We’re sorry if you feel that every other country with the exception of Oompah Loompah Land has handled this better, but we have been doing things differently in the UK. We have followed the science, while muttering about its mum and throwing sweet wrappers at it.
We’re sorry if you feel that talking about when we’ll end lockdown is a way of distracting you from the issue of why we took so long to start it. We’re sorry if you think the data we release is next to useless, but please be assured it is the most useful data we have.
We’re sorry if you feel that not telling you how many medics and carers have died with coronavirus because that was inappropriate at that time, in some way contradicted the fact we told you exactly which films Boris Johnson was watching on his iPad while in hospital.
(Image: PA)
We’re sorry if you feel that you heard something someone said about herd immunity.
We’re sorry if you feel that we thought the herd was too stupid to follow instructions, and that was why we didn’t do anything sooner. There are many variables between nations, and such comparisons are not always entirely fair.
If you feel that herds in other countries were treated like grown-ups, and acted like grown-ups, and that those countries are doing rather better with this bug than our own, then all we can say is that treating people as a herd is not the policy of this government at this time.
We’re sorry if you feel that we forgot the herd consists of individuals. Each death is a tragedy and our thoughts and prayers are with each of their voting relatives.
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We’re sorry if you feel the Prime Minister should should not have boasted about shaking hands, should have gone to hospital sooner rather than waiting until the Queen’s address to the nation so he wouldn’t be photographed looking weak, or that this government should have told the truth about his being at death’s door for 48 hours, during which time he was tended by two migrant medics of precisely the sort we were hoping to stop coming in.
We’re sorry if you feel this is a PM confronting the failure of his own policies in a way no PM has since Spencer Perceval was assassinated. Sorry if you feel that he did not stay at home, did not protect the NHS, and seems to have saved no lives.
Please rest assured Boris is now recuperating, and that he has a pretty young girlfriend who is expecting his baby, and a charming little dog, and that’s what’s important at this time.
We’re aware of reports about a lack of personal protective equipment for frontline medics, and that it has contributed to the deaths of NHS staff. I can tell you that I’ve seen no evidence of this, which does not mean there is no evidence. Some PPE from China has been rejected due to our very stringent checks, because nothing is more important than protecting the NHS and saving lives.
I’m sorry if you feel we have not done that.
We’re sorry if you feel that previous governments capped the wages of NHS staff in an effective pay cut, that in 2016 many of those now running this government ignored a pandemic practice exercise which highlighted some of the problems we’re now facing, or that in some way we spent more time forcing junior doctors out on strike than on resolving their concerns.
Let me assure you we are doing everything in our power to flatten the curve in the opinion polls, which was diving before lockdown and is now shooting up because the herd is desperate to think the country is being led by those who know what they’re doing.
The last thing we want is for anyone to remember that Winston Churchill was one of our most popular leaders ever, yet was trounced by the electorate the first chance it got.
We’re looking at things in the round, because looking at things in detail is much more worrying.
We’re considering all possibilities, rather than just those ones which would work best.
Every option remains on the table in these entirely unprecedented times that nobody could have predicted, apart from all those times that they did.
And we’re sorry if you feel that using patronising language to minimise your justifiable rage is a means of infantilising you to a bundle of silly emotions, and that allows us to treat you as a herd. Please talk to our nudge unit about how individual you all feel you are.
(Image: Getty)
Please allow us to treat you as stupid. Please do not stampede to sit, sensibly and at a healthy distance from others, in the sunshine, because it makes the place look untidy.
Please do not remember how this all started. Please remember blame would not be productive at this time, although an apology would do a lot to restore trust in government, end the groupthink, and ensure that past failures of ideologues with no idea how to govern in the best interests of 66million people are not repeated.
Please do not use this pandemic to score political points, and listen to our MPs scoring political points by claiming the Opposition is scoring a political point. Please do not assume that, just because we wheel out someone with the mind of a duck to tell you what to do, we’re an entitled band of incompetents unable to acknowledge our mistakes, one of which is Priti Patel and 10,612 of which are you. We’re sorry if you feel we’re killing a lot of people and really not helping a lot more.
Please doubt yourselves, not us. Please protect the NHS, because we did not. Please do what you can to save your own lives, because we are plainly no good at it.
