The Fiver | Who knew the International Champions Cup meant so much?

SHANGHAI NOON

You absolutely will not catch The Fiver exerting itself too much during pre-season. Admittedly The Man suggested your favourite satirical teatimely email attend an intensive comedy workshop during June, while muttering something about nobody wanting to read the same tired old gags every day, but to be honest The Fiver wasn’t listening properly. It was too busy preparing for a couple of months sitting on the sofa, drinking Purple Tin and thinking about anything but football. There was some cricket on, see, and some tennis, plus a bit of cycling, and none of it was going to watch itself. So you can shove your four-week intensive comedy workshop! Hic!

Naturally, The Fiver will be back in tip-top shape come the start of the season. In fact it could probably just wing it. But not everyone can switch the genius on and off so effortlessly. Lesser mortals have to work on staying in shape during the off season and there was certainly no holding back when Tottenham met Manchester United during a friendly in Shanghai on Thursday. Dele Alli was booked after showing the kind of aggression that might not have gone amiss during the Big Cup final last season, Andreas Pereira also saw yellow and Moussa Sissoko decided that the only way to slow Daniel James down was by chopping the winger in half, leaving Scott McTominay incensed. Who knew the International Champions Cup meant so much?

“I apologise to Manchester United on behalf of our players,” Mauricio Pochettino said after watching his side lose 2-1 to United. “I was a little bit annoyed about some situations. I was not happy because sometimes you can arrive late and something can happen.” And something did indeed happen, with Eric Bailly leaving the stadium on crutches after suffering knee-knack, forcing United to step up their efforts to bring in a new centre-back. Luckily Ed Woodward is on the case. No doubt he’s spotted that the £25m release clause in Toby Alderweireld’s contract has expired today. Perfect timing! Expect a starting bid of £20m any minute now.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Think we’re fine” – Sead Kolasinac lets it be known that he and Mesut Özil are in good health following an attempted car-jacking that the tank-like defender put a stop to by chasing off their knife-wielding assailants, the big hero.

Arsenal’s Sead Kolasinac fights off armed men trying to rob Mesut Özil’s car – video

FIVER LETTERS

“Can’t get a more succinct review (Fiver passim) than wordless. Pitchfork doesn’t monkey around” – Thabo Caves.

“OK some album reviews speak for themselves but the finest big paper TV listing (not a review) I ever saw was ‘Kids say the funniest things: No they don’t’” – Dan Taylor.

“If Tony Adams isn’t likely to be thrilled by sideways passes in rugby [Thursday’s Fiver], how will he react to players deliberately kicking the ball into touch? And then lifting their teammates by their shorts on the resulting throw in. Oh” – Mike Wilner.

“Have you recently developed a penchant for North-East dialect? First you had ‘gan hyem’ – which you misspelt ‘yem’ by the way. Now you are writing ‘Hoying a bottle of ale’. That’s canny alreet as far as I’m concerned, like. What’s next? Divvent drop yer doddle on the proggy mat? Wee’s keys are these? It was hoying it doon and I got drarked so when I got hyem I was nithered? Keep it up!” – Tim Readman.

“My cockles are warmed by Stuart Robertson-Reed’s prize experience (Thursday’s Fiver). Eight months on and counting, I’m still waiting for a copy of Rob Smyth’s Kaiser (Fiver, 21 November). If it’s still in the out-tray at Fiver Towers, could someone please re-address it to Stuart McLagan (Fiver, passim), who is clearly the greatest prizewinner never to win prizes?” – Adrian Armstrong.

“In reply to Ben North suggesting Blackeye Rovers might need Colin Farrell to narrate a documentary about them (Fivers passim), I did some digging. Turns out Russell Crowe is a Nasty Leeds fan and might have been happy to act as narrator, so I looked into who could fill a similar role for a Blackeye documentary. While former Dr Who Matt Smith would certainly be appropriate, given Rovers’ propensity for finding themselves in awkward and expensive looking situations (remember when Nuno Gomes signed?), perhaps the slapstick, surreal and overwhelmingly resigned tone of Lee Mack would be better suited to the current squad. It’s that or Jack Straw. Which other famous fans would be suitable narrators for their clubs? I bet Alastair Campbell could make out Burnleh won the league …” – Ferg Slade.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Adrian Armstrong (but send us your address and we’ll find an alternative prize for the one you won 247 days ago).

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Micah Richards has retired aged 31. “The City fan favourite and Premier League winner announced his decision after losing a lengthy battle with an injured knee,” tweeted his former club Manchester City.

Daniele De Rossi, 78, has joined Boca Juniors after 18 years at Roma. “I don’t want to stop playing with the regret of not being able to wear the shirt of Boca,” trumpeted the Italian.

Daniel De Rossi — Some hot airport trolley action, earlier. Photograph: Brigo Carlos/EPA

Bury might be turfed out of the Football League unless they can pay their bills.

Nuno Espírito Santo wants Wolves to be harder, better, faster, stronger after they beat Crusaders 2-0 in the first leg of their Big Vase match. “We need to be faster, more accurate and more sharp,” he paraphrased.

And because the world’s perhaps not as bad as we all think it is, Nottingham Forest are to hold a collection before a pre-season friendly to raise funds for unpaid staff at city rivals Notts County.

STILL WANT MORE?

Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson on why a worldie in a Big Cup final and six years’ service at the Bernabéu were never enough for Gareth Bale to become a cult hero at Real Madrid.