TV TIMES
During the last couple of weeks, angry gentlemen of a certain age, political persuasion and cheek hue [Fiver note to self: think of a catchy name for these cool dudes] have been leaping over each other to inform everyone that they’re not watching a single minute of the Women’s World Cup. You can understand their stance, given the sheer quality of programming on the other channels, such as 1972’s Emmerdale Farm, a reboot of Ask The Family with Dara Ó Briain in the Robert Robinson role only standing up and without an elaborate combover, and highlights of the ICC Cricket World Cup, whatever that is. Whatever it is, good luck witnessing a team from England getting to the semi-final stage of that.
However on Thursday evening, a record-breaking 7.6 million folk wrested the remote control from the Undercooked Pork Chops [Fiver note to self: that’s pretty good, it’ll catch on] to watch England thrash Norway by three goals to nil. That figure represents nearly 39% of the available audience! By comparison, only 26% of the total population of the United Kingdom went out in 2016 to vote to leave the EU. So by the political logic of the day, we should clear the television schedules for blanket coverage of women’s football. Wall-to-wall females with free agency, enjoying themselves, entertaining everyone and showcasing their skills for all to see. It’ll ruin the lives of every single Undercooked Pork Chop across the land, but The Fiver’s prepared to take the hit, whatever the cost. It’s the will of the people.
Those viewers who didn’t have indignant smoke pouring out of every tedious facial aperture witnessed Lucy Bronze nearly taking Ingrid Hjelmseth’s head off with a long-range blast, the sort of goal Bobby Charlton used to score back in the day, and look what England achieved when he was carrying on like that. England are now waiting for the winner of Friday’s stramash between hosts France and a marvellous Trump-baiting collective from across the briny, and manager Phil Neville is allowing himself to get over-excited. “We can’t hide away from the fact that something is happening,” he tooted, wearing his little waistcoat, hoping for gushing articles like the ones about Gareth Southgate that aren’t going to come. “We want to inspire and to build a legacy.” The Fiver suggests the Lionesses have done that already, whatever happens next. And if that’s not achievement enough, they’ve already ensured Thursday night’s Piers Morgan documentary on ITV got even lower figures than it would have anyway. What a team! What a glorious nation!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
1.21pm: “The club would like to thank Martin for all his efforts during his time at the City Ground and wish him well for the future” – just five months after bringing in Martin O’Neill as manager, Nottingham Forest give him the heave.
1.39pm: “Nottingham Forest are delighted to announce that Sabri Lamouchi has been appointed” – cold, unlike the body.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a Crystal Palace fan who has enjoyed the emergence of Aaron Wan-Bissaka as an elite full-back, it’s a shame to see him leave the Eagles, but I wish him well at Manchester United. That said, if he was that desperate to play for a team with a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the Premier League, he could have just stayed at Palace” – Ed Taylor.
“Re yesterday’s Fiver. Can I be one of the 1,057 to point out that you missed a golden opportunity to make a half-decent and classic Guardian culturally high-falutin’ joke about the ‘Barber of Neville’? It would have involved reference to the Rossini opera that comes within a consonant of hitting the comedic bullseye. Wikipedia describes Rossini’s work as ‘one of the great masterpieces of comedy within music’. Surely there’s something there to work with? Indeed, as an ‘opera buffa’ (a comic opera), it has been described as the opera buffa of all opere buffe, thereby opening up the possibility of you shoehorning in a reference to the infamous Uefa/Fifa buffet. I would offer to do a bit more on your behalf, but have now run out ideas and am beginning to see why you didn’t bother” – Dom Hughes.
“In keeping with the nominative determinism thread (Fiver letters passim), one of my groomsmen was called P Brain. He now works in insurance. Proof of theory confirmed?” – Phil Devlin.
“My entry to the last line’s developing theme” – Matt Richman.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dom Hughes.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Amr Warda’s expulsion from Egypt’s Africa Cup of Nations squad for alleged sexual harassment of several women online has been overturned following the intervention of several team-mates, including Mohamed Salah, who was telling Time magazine as recently as April that he hoped to help change attitudes of men in his country and across the Muslim world to “treat women with more respect”.
Today in Afcon 2019 unpaid player rows, Zimbabwe are threatening to withdraw from the tournament before their final group match unless its FA pulls its finger out.
Netherlands striker Lieke Martens is a doubt for their Women’s World Cup quarter-final with Italy after suffering foot-knack celebrating her winner against Japan.
Brazil coach T1te is still in a general funk despite reaching the Copa América semis with a penalty shoot-out win over Paraguay on a shonky Grêmio Arena pitch. “All the team asked me to complain about it,” he blared. “It’s absurd at such a high-level match to have a ground on which it is so hard to pass. It’s inconceivable anywhere in the world to have such a bad ground.”
Milan have been booted out of next season’s Big Vase due to cash-knack.
The Queen’s Celtic have dropped a cool £7m on Toulouse defender Christopher Jullien.
And Preston have ditched their new red away kit following a less-than-welcoming response from fans. “It was felt in these circumstances that it was both expensive and unfair for us to make last season’s yellow away kit option obsolete,” parped the club.
STILL WANT MORE?
Daniel Taylor on the inside story of Martin O’Neill’s crumbled Forest reign.
Revealed: the gender pay gap in American World Cup bonuses.
Caitlin Murray looks at where the massive France v USA! USA!! USA!!! World Cup quarter-final will be won and lost.
England now have a job in handling the expectation that is accompanying their march to the semis, writes Louise Taylor.
What, no Ten German Bombers? Sean Ingle on England fans being all rather pleasant at France 2019.
Suzanne Wrack sings the praises of Lucy Bronze, as well she might.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
