The Fiver | Other meaninglessly limp sanctions are available

On Monday afternoon news broke that, in an attempt to frustrate English infiltrators attempting to gain access to the home stands at the Podgorica City Stadium in Montenegro, supporters would be denied entry if they failed to pass a “language test”. A few hours later some fans who passed that test were showering England’s footballers with racist abuse, raising a question about precisely what kind of language they had been tested on.

Uefa has already kicked off its investigation into the abuse during England’s 5-1 Euro 2020 qualifying win, with Montenegro facing a minimum punishment of partial closure of their stadium for their next fixture, against Kosovo in June. Montenegro and Kosovo have never played before, but Montenegro’s last home game before the visit of England, against Romania in the Nations League, attracted 3,574 people to the 15,000-capacity ground. This suggests Uefa could force a 75% reduction in the ground’s capacity without it making the slightest difference to anybody. Other meaninglessly limp sanctions are available.

The ensuing furore deflected attention away from other incidents that are significantly more pleasing and/or joke-assisting, such as two men walking into a bar, the controversial decision-making of road-crossing poultry and the growing inevitability that England’s football team will soon rule the world. Once again they picked apart their opponents with pace, skill and determination. On the wings Raheem Sterling and Callum Hudson-Odoi played with such irrepressible verve that commentators were asserting that they could soon win the Premier League player of the season award and make slightly more regular substitute appearances for their club teams, respectively. The attack was irrepressible, the midfield was assured and the defence was largely impregnable, except for the one occasion when it was pregnable. All, in short, was good, apart from the stuff that was obviously bad, and the disappearance of Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat.

These are, of course, still the early days of a qualifying competition. It would be wise not to get too carried away. But sometimes circumspection is a challenge: it is, after all, 35 years since England last scored five or more goals in consecutive competitive matches, when Finland and Turkey were dispatched by a combined 13-0 in 1984, and as we all now know this led to the English winning the World Cup just under two decades earlier. So the great news for the nation’s fans is that if the current run of success being enjoyed by Southgate’s charges has even vaguely similar consequences, England will almost certainly have won Euro 2000.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Simon Burnton from 7.45pm GMT for hot clockwatch coverage of the day’s Euro 2020 qualifiers.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“It’s not going to help us play better, that’s for sure … but I can’t do anything about it, I’m not going to bring a tennis racket” – Mick McCarthy reacts to news that miffed Republic O’Ireland fans plan to lob hundreds of tennis balls on the Dublin pitch against Georgia in protest at FAI chief suit John Delaney, following a week of revelations about curious financial dealings.

RECOMMENDED LOOKING

David Squires on … sticking it to bigots and the unveiling of Skillzy.

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: yesterday’s Fiver letters. It’s hard to imagine The Fiver’s standards slipping (where would they slip to?) but surely we’ve hit an all-time low when Tom Bullweed can get a selfie published” – Steve Bennett.

“If you look carefully at yesterday’s letters photo, there is a vehicle approaching in the distance. If Tom Bullweed doesn’t move, that will be his last letter o’ the day” – Peter Worley.

“I’m not sure how you’ve managed it after so many years of mediocrity but I’m thoroughly enjoying the trials and tribulations of Shortbread McFiver. Can we have a weekly instalment of him going forward?” – Chris White.

“I did a bit of a double take when I saw the Euro 2020 mascot” – Dave Gill.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dave Gill.

BITS AND BOBS

Jill Scott and Millie Bright will return to the England squad for next month’s pre-World Cup double-header against Canada and Spain. “I want to emphasise that the door is not shut to any player with ambitions of making the squad,” whooped Phil Neville.

Former Spain boo-boy Gerard Piqué turned out for Catalonia in their 2-1 friendly win over Venezuela on Monday night – and Stoke’s Bojan Krkic reminded us he still exists by getting on the scoresheet too.

Southend have bundled Chris Powell aboard the HMS Do One. “The results over a number of weeks, 11 games without a win, has impacted all concerned and immediate changes needed to be made,” blathered a club suit.

Bad news for Ajax’s Big Cup hopes against Juve: Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t think the thigh-knack he suffered in Portugal’s 1-1 draw with Serbia is that serious. “If you go out in the rain you get wet,” he mused. “I’m calm, I’ll be back in one or two weeks.”

Olivier Giroud, 78, became Les Bleugh’s third-highest scorer of all time as he banged in his 35th goal during the 4-0 shellacking of Iceland.

And Scotland captain Andy Robertson has sent Shortbread McFiver rushing for another bottle of Buckfast with this reminder of the state of fitba. “The country is at rock bottom just now in terms of football,” he sobbed. “We need to pick it back up.”

STILL WANT MORE?

“Deaf people can do anything – they just can’t hear.” Ben Lampert, the only full-time deaf football coach in Britain, tells Ben Fisher why he wants to see more deaf players and coaches in professional football.

Dominic Fifield is having to wear shades because he was dazzled by Callum Hudson-Odoi’s performance for England in Montenegro.

6 6 7 6 6 7 8 5 7 7 8 6. Are these numbers the code to Weird Uncle Fiver’s safe room? Nope.

Spurs missed a trick with their stadium test event, reckons Suzanne Wrack.

David Beckham is desperate to find a home for Inter Miami downtown and not in the leafy suburbs because soccerball is trying to market itself as an urban game in USA! USA!! USA!!! writes Graham Ruthven.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!