IT’S STILL THERE!
The Fiver is not one of those highfalutin organs that would admit to nicking gags from France’s best-known sports daily, so we’re here and now coining the name Panic Saint-Germain. It’s a name that gained fresh relevance this week, of course, but the collapse that seems most pertinent happened two years ago, when Unai Emery was in charge of the jittery marketeers. Because after PSG surrendered a 4-0 first-leg lead to Barcelona in 2017, one of their unused substitutes, Hatem Ben Arfa, is said to have rebuked Emery for laying the foundations of the capitulation by “spreading stress”.
That was Episode 57 of the still popular Ben Arfa v Emery series, whose latest instalment aired on Thursday in northern France. In it, Emery took his new charges, all decked out in Arsenal kits, for a Big Vase date at the home of Ben Arfa’s new team, Rennes, with hilarious consequences. Arsenal did not disappoint when it came to delivering some of the old favourites – there was a red card, an own goal and the recurring jape in which Mesut Özil tries to drown out a midfield rock festival with a tender harp solo. But what really amused Ben Arfa during his team’s 3-1 win were the touchline histrionics of Emery, who, the player suggested, is an incorrigible fusser, give or take a letter. “My motivation was to play a solid match, to win and get ourselves into a good position to go through, that’s what was in my head,” tooted Ben Arfa like a solid professional before adding: “But I did see the same Emery, as agitated as ever. I looked over at him a few times and that made me laugh a little. He hasn’t changed.”
Emery, meanwhile, had to come up with a reason for his side’s sorry performance. He had already said in the buildup that fatigue would not be an acceptable excuse, so what explanation could he give? Channel Klopp and denounce the wind? Admit his substitutions were flawed and Henrikh Mkhitaryan at right-back was a piece of ill-judged improv? In the end, he opted for something about the sending off of Sokratis being an unwelcome turning point. With the second leg still to come at the Emirates, it wasn’t exactly the right time to offer the most obvious explanation: that the Round of Arsenal has been downgraded from Big Cup to Big Vase.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We are all about artistry and unity on the pitch, and supporting each other off the pitch. To play with the likes of Sylvia Plath and Millicent Fawcett on the team’s shirts, gives us that extra piece of inspiration and motivation, and makes us even prouder to represent Camden” – Camden Town Ladies’ manager Pranay Dhanani on the Bodil Jane-designed shirt they will wear – said to be the first football shirt/piece of art ever made – in the Greater London Women’s Football League to celebrate notable Camdenites on International Women’s Day.
SON HEUNG-MIN OF THE DAY
“If you’re a good footballer but don’t know how to respect others, you’re nobody. Sometimes it’s difficult but we are humans before we are footballers. We should respect each other. On the pitch, off the pitch – why should it be different?” – nice one Son.
FIVER LETTERS
“Dear Fiver, it’s time to start stockpiling Tin” – Stix.
“Big Website may have written that ‘they fell without honour … capitulation … disintegration’ about Arsenal’s defeat at Rennes but, on the plus side, it is just like the good old days when Arsenal used to enjoy a good ‘drubbing’. Except that it’s not Big Cup, it’s Big Vase, and it’s not Bayern Munich, it’s Rennes, and the ‘we’ve got our Arsenal back’ chant still works” – Noble Francis.
“Did no one tell poor Gigi Buffon that recent history has shown that PSG would not be the safest transfer bet for his ‘won everything else but still to win Big Cup’ medal?” – Carol Hayden.
“Living as I do in the North American team sports milieu, where VAR has been integrated at the top levels for many years now, I have to laugh as the rest of the (football) world gets to grip with this technology. Welcome your new robot overlords!” – Mike Edwards.
“Has the Irish FA properly checked Theme Pub O’Fiver’s eligibility to play for them (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)? I’m pretty sure he would be something like Faoinpubh O Foimah if he was genuinely Irish. They could have another Tony Cascarino on their hands … and no one wants that, do they?” – Richard O’Hagan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our last letter o’the day for the time being is … Noble Francis, who wins a copy of Spain by Graham Hunter.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
A Manchester United fan stabbed in Paris on Wednesday night is recovering from surgery and may be able to return home at the start of next week.
Amed Sk midfielder Mansur Calar has been banned for life by the Turkish FA after slashing several Sakaryaspor players with a hidden razor blade during a third division match.
Roma have appointed cuddly cat with nine lives Claudio Ranieri as their new boss after giving Eusebio Di Francesco the old heave-ho. “When Roma call you, it’s impossible to say no,” cheered Claudio.
Neil Warnock reckons anyone who thinks he’s not the best man for the job at Cardiff can jog on. “You always get people who know better than you making an input,” he growled. “If I thought it’d be better to have somebody different, I’d say good luck to them. It wouldn’t bother me one bit. But I think I’m the best one to get us over the line this year.”
Manchester City better get a move on and win Big Cup, because the club could be banned from the competition after Uefa launched an investigation into allegations the club played fast and loose with FFP rules.
$tevie Mbe says a Liverpool title win this year would do absolutely nothing to help heal the painful memories of that effing slip. “This wound’s been open since my experience [in 2014],” he howled. “I hope Liverpool [win] but it won’t make my wound feel any different.”
And Maurizio Sarri reckons Callum Hudson-Odoi is … wait for it … dum dum dum du du dum dum … dum dum dum du du dum dum … under pressure! “It’s very dangerous, at 18, to have this pressure,” he crooned, before doing a Freddie Mercury-style ee-do-ba-bé scat solo.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend, including Seagulls v Eagles in a “derby” so toxic Britney Spears could soundtrack it.
“England are good enough to win the World Cup.” Barcelona forward Toni Duggan gets her chat on with Suzanne Wrack.
Luck, judgment, lovableness, sharp selections and tactical tweaks. Barney Ronay on the reasons why Manchester United should make sure Ole stays at the wheel.
And here’s some bonus David Squires for you on … Fifa, North Korea and the great reformer Gianni Infantino.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
