This episode’s flashbacks show us how Betty has loved Archie since the fifth grade. Cheryl – in a rare moment of absolute selflessness and clarity – rightfully points out here that Betty doesn’t love Archie himself, but what he represents. Since Betty has known him Archie has literally been the All American Boy Next Door. He is a constant in the chaotic world that she inhabits. With Archie she could be safe. At least she thinks so briefly.
After her conversation with Cheryl, she realizes that a relationship with Archie is just a fantasy. To pursue such a thing she would have to implode the lives of two people she loves most in the world: Jughead and Veronica. And she just isn’t prepared to do so. Was it Cheryl’s insights that sealed the deal for Betty? Or Archie’s horrible song? Either way, Barchie is not to be. This is okay because this take on the comic characters has never really been about love triangles or milk shakes or wacky adventures in high school. From day one Riverdale has taken a sharp left from the source material, and something tells me deep in my ever-expanding quarantine gut that had this show just been an adaptation it would have been cancelled years ago. In the age of prestige television audiences crave darkness, sex and murder. There’s simply no place in the TV landscape for lighthearted Archie fun.
That’s not to say that Riverdale can’t have a good time. Exhibit A: The ongoing (and delightfully ridiculous) competitive tickling storyline. In this installment, Kevin brought Reggie aboard on the video-making process and together they decided to enlist the help of the Bulldogs and Vixens to make their own online empire. This didn’t sit well with Terry (Spencer Lord), The town’s resident Ticklemaster. (Which is a bit odd as the videos Kevin and company are making are clearly geared at a different target audience than his, but maybe it’s more about Terry losing his stars). While Reggie had the Bulldogs counter threaten Terry after he attacked Kevin at Pop’s, the whole enterprise became a moot one: Principal Honey found out about the videos and shut them down. Apparently high school sports team names are copyrighted. Who knew!
Did Terry call Mr. Honey? Yeah, no. Turns out that Honey frequents Riverdale’s 24/7 video store Blue Velvet, a never-before-mentioned establishment that has a special “scarlet suite” that rents out everything from snuff films to the Jughead/Betty sex tape Brett secretly filmed (called “Ponytail Playmate,” natch). Jughead and Charles (who, it should be pointed out is secretly working with Chic on some yet to be revealed plot against the Coopers) discover the back room at the Blue Velvet during their investigation into the increasingly violent videotapes that town residents have been receiving. At first it seemed like Ethel (the always welcome Shannon Purser) was responsible for the pseudo Jughead snuff film shown at the end of the previous episode. Her A/V club credentials gave her access to equipment, and she rented Ponytail Playmate from Blue Velvet. Alas, she was a red herring! Or at least that’s what this episode wants us to believe. As things stand, the main suspect remains Mr. Honey. Which makes sense as he seems to possess both puritanical ways and a genuine hatred for Riverdale at large. My prediction? He’s working with Terry to terrorize the town. To be continued.
Elsewhere, Veronica and Cheryl’s partnership on Mapleclaw rum came to a swift end when the pair had a disastrous run in with the Malloy crew – maple moonshiners who target the college crowd in Riverdale. (This show. This amazing show). Once Hiram catches wind of this, he confronts Jinx Malloy (Steve Makaj) and, in his weakened state, promptly gets the ever-living shit beaten out of him. While Veronica is praising Hiram for not returning to his old violent ways, the truth plays out. Following his beating by Jinx, Hiram returns for a rematch. One that ends with Jinx dead, and Hiram regaining his murderous mojo.
