Tinder’s height verification tool may have been an elaborate April Fool’s hoax, but it raised a serious point about good manners online.
Ghosting love interests and phubbing friends (a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — ignoring people while you stare at your mobile) are widely considered social faux pas, but dodging read receipts and navigating pass-agg WhatsApp groups are more of a minefield.
The big question is how to deal with it all politely. Tech writer Victoria Turk’s latest book, Digital Etiquette, is a guide to modern manners in today’s brave new world.
From posting selfies on Instagram to using full stops, this is her rulebook to etiquette 2.0.
Aim for inbox zero
“An empty inbox is the path to enlightenment,” says Turk, so declutter it like you would your wardrobe.
Merlin Mann, US podcaster and digital Marie Kondo, adds: “If you can find the time to check email, you must also use that time to do something with that email.”
Start with a clean slate, then turn off notifications so you don’t get distracted (one study says it takes up to 23 minutes to regain focus after a distraction). Set your inbox to retrieve emails at intervals, not every time a message arrives; unsubscribe from newsletters; organise folders by deadline not subject.
“The point is not to obsess about getting to zero. The point is to do less obsessing,” says Mann.
Make the first move
Digital etiquette doesn’t just apply in the office: dating apps bring about new romantic dilemmas, from how to slide into someone’s DMs to whether it’s ever OK to ghost.
Turk’s suggestion is to be bold: according to a former data scientist at OK Cupid, whoever messages first is more likely to get their preferences in a partner and make less of a compromise, so make the first move. A simple “hey” isn’t good enough.
There’s an easy formula for successful first messages: “positive reference to thing on their profile + question”. For example: “Nice Statue of Liberty picture! When were you in New York?”
If they don’t respond, following up once is fine, then move on.
Don’t blue-tick
Prompt responses are crucial, says Turk. “Don’t leave a friend hanging. A fast response with the occasional typo will almost always be more appreciated than a witty reply hours later.”
If you need to leave a chat before it’s naturally ended, send a quick message saying so, as you would in real life.
Leaving someone “on read” — “blue ticking” them — is the ultimate digital faux pas. Turk suggests responding to messages as soon as they’re read. If you don’t have more time explain you’ll respond properly later.
According to a University of Mannheim study, romantic partners have the highest perceived obligation to respond to messages, so don’t leave bae on read.
Treat side chats with caution
“Friendship circles today are defined by the group chat,” says Turk, and there are strict rules: minimise notifications (send one message not six); consider timing (avoid group decisions when you know someone’s not available); no private chats in the group chat.
If you need to speak to certain members separately, Turk suggests creating a new group, but “the side chat is not for amateurs. Two chats about the same topic at the same time is perilous when it comes to finger slips”, as Labour MP Lucy Powell found.
Instead of complaining about certain MPs to a couple of colleagues, she accidentally messaged a WhatsApp group containing every female Labour MP, including the subjects of her complaints. She apologised for “being a cow”.
Stop right now
The new world online brings a new language, and not just emojis but grammar and punctuation. Turk says that writing in caps means you’re shouting; question marks are often redundant; the more exclamation marks, the more excited you are; full stops aren’t necessary — in fact, you can come across as cross or annoyed.
“It looks as if you’re making a point,” says Philip Seargeant, a lecturer in applied linguistics at The Open University.
Instead, use for dramatic effect. Just. Look. How. Well. It. Works.
Be selective
“There’s a fine line between keeping friends updated and spamming,” says Turk. Posting frequency depends on the platform: more on Twitter, where tweets get buried by fresher fare, fewer on Facebook and Instagram.
Her rule of thumb is a maximum of once a day on Instagram (include multiple photos in one post) and 10 times a day on your Story.
Dave Burt, the man behind the popular @London Instagram, warns: “If you post a picture of Tower Bridge seven days a week, people get bored.”
Digital Etiquette by Victoria Turk is out now
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