Jesy Nelson has revealed she used to be jealous of her Little Mix bandmates’ happiness, after opening up about trying to take her life due to trolls.
The 28-year-old singer, who has fronted documentary Jesy Nelson: Odd One Out – about surviving cruel taunts – explained she was almost obsessed with reading critical social media posts about herself, which led her to making an attempt on her life.
She was at her lowest point after a performance with her bandmates on X Factor, in 2013, when she felt she ‘couldn’t take it any longer’.
Now she’s elaborated on her time in the group alongside Perrie Edwards, Leigh-Anne Pinnock and Jade Thirlwall, admitting she nearly quit on multiple occasions.
As she was asked whether her bandmates had stopped her from leaving the group, Jesy said: ‘Yeah but for them it was hard as well.
‘It must have been such a crap time for them as well because at the same time they’re, like, living their dream and so to have someone in the band who was constantly down and depressed all the time – you don’t want that when you’re, like, living your best life and it was hard for them to be happy but then console me at the same time.’
Adding during an interview on Capital Breakfast on Monday morning, she said she didn’t want to resent them for keeping her in the band.
Jesy continued: ‘At times I was so jealous of them. I was just so envious of how happy they were and I was like I just want to know what it feels like to be happy and feel like that but I couldn’t, I couldn’t make myself happy.’
Detailing her on-stage panic attacks and anxiety, she said: ‘I used to see boys or girls mucking around with their mates, having a joke about me and I don’t even think that they’d think I see that. But yeah it had an effect on everything – I didn’t want to go out with my friends, I genuinely didn’t want to go to work.
‘I didn’t want to perform on stage anymore because I just mentally used to think that when I’d be on stage, if I’d see people in the crowd pointing at me or whispering, I’d think they were saying horrible things about me. And I got anxiety, panic attacks.’
In an interview with the Guardian published over the weekend, Jesy said she ‘physically couldn’t tolerate the pain anymore’ and detailed a suicide attempt.
She told her family, her management and her bandmates about what happened, but ‘once it was spoken about, it wasn’t ever spoken about again.’
Jesy also revealed she would often ‘starve’ herself before events and photoshoots, hoping to see positive comments, before ‘binge-eating and hating herself’.
Despite being offered time off, she told the publication she refused to take it, out of fear she would draw attention to herself with the absence.
‘Our schedule was so gruelling. I was going to see a therapist at six o’clock in the morning, crying, and then going to a photoshoot,’ she continued.
‘I felt I had to be this person who was like … “I don’t care what people are saying about me, I’m this strong woman.” That was the role I had to take on in the group, when really I was an absolute mess.’
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