I am a woman in my 70s who has not had sex for more than 15 years, and has not been dating for almost 30. I am now on dating sites. My sexuality was awakened by one of the men I met, and I find myself as sexy and desirous as I was when I was younger. The problem: I scare men. I am easily aroused, often to orgasm, and I am also an active partner. They think I am too fast; that I do not take care of them. On my part, I am not used to slow-awakening penises that need a lot of caring and coaxing. I find older men are acting like demanding spoilt kids, and I happen to not have a particularly good maternal instinct. Is there a possibility that there are men my age willing and capable of handling me the way I am? In real life, I am an independent but mild-mannered lady. I am willing to change some sexual habits, but not my personality traits. In the old days, men didn’t complain, but found it rather refreshing and exciting.
Many men complain that their partners expect them to “‘mind-read”, and say they crave direction. And there are certainly men of all ages who appreciate having very clear, direct information about what a woman needs, and it sounds as if you are able and willing to provide this. But “slow-awakening penises” happen to be the norm in men who are your age, and even younger. In requesting extra attention, they are not being “spoilt kids” – they are just asking for what they need, which is very direct penile stimulation. They do not need mothering – just adult-to-adult patience and care, since they will naturally take quite a bit longer to become aroused than the men you dated 30 years ago.
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Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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