'I can't stop fantasising about other men when I'm having sex with my fiance'

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my fiancé for four years and we’re planning to buy a house together and get married next year.

However, I’ve been having doubts because I keep fantasising about having sex with other men, even when I’m making love to my fiancé.

At first, I wasn’t too concerned about it – everyone enjoys a bit of fantasy – but I look at other guys a lot, too, and I’m starting to worry that my partner isn’t enough for me.

On paper he ticks all the boxes – good looking, kind, responsible – but I can’t help feeling there’s something missing that I just can’t put my finger on.

Other guys I’ve been out with in the past have been more dominant in bed, whereas my fiancé is quite passive and gentle, and maybe I’m missing the passion. Sex is important to me and I don’t want to be with someone I get bored with or who doesn’t turn me on.

But apart from the physical side of things, the relationship is great. I’m worried about making an issue out of it because I don’t want to upset him. What do you suggest?

Coleen says

Don’t walk down the aisle with doubts. It’s better to work this out now or you might be looking at a costly and stressful divorce down the line.

Why not put the wedding on hold and even take some time out from each other to work out what you want and if you miss each other?

That initial sexual thrill you get when you first fall in love does diminish in time and you do have to nurture the physical and romantic side of things, which requires a bit of effort.

This is true in every relationship, but talking about sex doesn’t have to be confrontational or accusatory.

Telling him what turns you on in bed can actually be really sexy and that’s the way to approach it. Look, he’s not a mind reader and if you haven’t told him what you like in bed, then he’ll assume you’re happy and satisfied.

Be careful about wanting to ‘tick boxes’ and ‘looking good on paper’ – a relationship isn’t a spreadsheet. It needs chemistry and that indefinable ‘X factor’ that creates a spark.

Yes, fantasy is fine and healthy, but you also have to be happy with the real thing or the relationship won’t last the distance. Good luck.


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