I am 38 and my boyfriend is 44. We have been together almost two years and I can’t seem to please him sexually. I never had problems in the past with other men so I don’t understand what is going on. We have sex three or four times a week but I can’t seem to climax either. I love him and want to be with him but I don’t know what to do. Even during oral sex I can’t seem to get him to get it. I’m losing self-esteem and feel that the relationship can’t handle this much longer.
It’s not that your relationship cannot handle the problem in your sex life – it’s the other way around. The power struggle or lack of trust and support between you is being expressed in your bedroom, and without conflict resolution you will never have pleasurable, stress-free sex together. Start to talk about the non-sexual feelings you have during love-making – your sense of wanting to please him but not being good enough, and your non-sexual frustration. Try to encourage him to become a true partner in terms of increasing your mutual sexual pleasure rather than being an expectant critic. And let go of being judgmental – both of your partner and of yourself.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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