THE summer holidays have arrived and so begins the long six- week slog of keeping little ones entertained.
Sure, a scroll through social media will leave you feeling that all other parents have nailed it with snaps of their angelic children smiling sweetly on numerous family days out.
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But let’s be honest, that’s not the reality.
Sometimes, a little white lie goes a long way to keeping a mum’s sanity intact.
Author and mum-of-two Suzy Quinn, 39, is more than happy to admit she’ll occasionally stretch the truth for a quiet life.
Suzy says: “I try to be honest with my kids — most of the time.
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But the summer holidays are not ‘most of the time’.”
Here, Suzy reveals the top fibs she’s guilty of telling daughters Lexi, eight, and Laya, five.
SMILE, THIS IS FUN
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You know those “holiday memories” that cost a small fortune? The big theme parks, the West End shows, the big blowout camping trip. The things you save for all year to bring joy and happiness to your family — then the kids start crying and fighting the moment you get there.
Well, start smiling kids. This long, hot queue IS fun. More fun than the play-park at home. Why? Because it costs more, that’s why.
IT WAS DAD’S IDEA
When I think of a summer camping trip, I imagine our family in cosy sleeping bags, toasting marshmallows under the stars.
But more often than not, I’m shouting at over-tired kids in the pouring rain. Or fighting over which tent pole goes where.
Whose stupid idea was this? It was your dad’s idea. Totally, completely your dad’s idea.
IT’S NOT ICE CREAM, IT’S FROZEN YOGHURT
My gorgeous girls love a Mr Whippy ice cream. Sadly, there’s something about those big, swirly topped cones that turn my kids into little devils. One hour after a Flake 99 and they’ll be screaming, crying and beating seven bells out of each other.
So I usually buy them lollies when the ice-cream van comes around. The trouble is, I love a Flake 99 and want to enjoy it without the kids eating half. My solution? They get a lolly. I get “frozen yoghurt” in a cone.
That thing that looks like a flake? It’s made from tuna fish. No, you can’t try any. It’s horrible. You’ll be ill.
THE TV ONLY WORKS IN THE AFTERNOON
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No kids, you can’t have the TV on at 6am. Why not? Because it’s way too early. Only a bad parent would let you watch TV at that time. There’s no point arguing about it. The TV only works in the afternoons anyway.
Of course, halfway through the summer holidays, I always regret this lie. I’m dying for the kids to watch TV so I can sleep longer.
Oh, look at that! The TV just started working again. It must have fixed itself. That always happens in August . . .
MY SWIMMING COSTUME SHRANK IN THE WASH
The kids love a trip to the beach. And they especially love it when I get in the freezing cold sea with them. “Come on in Mummy! Pretend to be a mermaid. We want to hear the funny shriek you do when you get in the water!”
But Mummy is keeping her wobbly post-baby tum and bottom under a long T-shirt, kids. Because sadly, my swimming costume has shrunk.
THE SAT NAV TOOK US THE WRONG WAY BECAUSE YOU WERE FIGHTING
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Six hours driving to Devon with the kids shouting and fighting in the back. What a treat! We make the trip to see my sister every summer holidays but I STILL get lost. And now the free sat nav-app has taken us the wrong way. Again.
It’s not the kids fault really, but I do wish they’d shut up. So I end up saying “Kids, this is your fault.
“The sat-nav gave bad directions because YOU were pinching each other. Hands. In. Laps. Or the sat-nav will go wrong again.”
IT’S NON-ALCOHOLIC GIN
Who doesn’t love a nice cold gin and tonic on a summer’s day? Not every day. Obviously. But BBQs, garden parties, camping trips and pub lunches — they’re a big thumbs-up for daytime drinking.
Of course, I don’t want the kids following my bad example, so I tell them I’m drinking non-alcoholic gin.
No! You can’t have a sip. And please, please don’t ask me to drive you anywhere.
‘HIS BIG MOUNTAIN AXE’ IS A BOOK ABOUT CARPENTRY
When we’re lucky enough to afford a trip abroad, I love relaxing on a sunbed with a good book. The trouble is, the kids are always trying to read over my shoulder.
That’s fine if I’m reading a PG teen fantasy, but what if I’m reading an adult romance?
“Mummy, what does big mountain axe mean?” is not a question I want to answer in a crowded holiday resort. So I bluff a little.
“This book? With the muscular, bare-torso man on the cover? It’s about carpentry.
“That’s why they’re talking about his big mountain axe.”
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