From picking playmates to choosing activities, eight ways to give kids the social skills they need

PARENTS worry about how their child will fit in with others but now a new book, Why Will No One Play With Me?, by social skills expert Caroline Maguire, outlines ways to improve your child’s ability to mix with others.

She says: “Helping your child have the skills to play better is a key component to helping them have positive relationships in life.” Here, Caroline shares playdate techniques to help your child make friends.

It's hard for parents to know how to help their kids build the social skills they need — It’s hard for parents to know how to help their kids build the social skills they needCredit: Getty – Contributor

What’s the cause?

The more you think about what skills your child needs to be more successful and work on helping them develop those skills, the more they will have positive play experiences.

Ask yourself what tends to be the struggle for your child and then work on those skills.

Talk to your child and try to understand the root of their emotionsCredit: Getty – Contributor

Do a little diagnosis and determine what the root cause might be whether it is sharing, managing their emotions, engaging with a friend, becoming overly excited or being flexible.

Assign your child a mission for the play date to work on demonstrating skills.

Playmate compatibility

Pick a playmate whose temperament will allow your child a chance to play better and to practise using the social behaviours that you have been working on with them.

Compatibility does not necessarily mean putting two like-minded children together. For example, two overly bossy, rule-oriented children might argue with each other and a domineering child might overshadow a shy child.

Picking playmates who will allow your child to play better will help to develop their skillsCredit: Getty – Contributor

Location, location, location

Picking the right location and environment is key to helping them put their best foot forward.

Try to host the play date so you can help shape the environment and remove toys or activities that have caused problems in the past.

The right environment is vital in ensuring your child develops social skills while with other kidsCredit: Getty – Contributor

Think: What is an activity my child enjoys? Will it be a structured or an unstructured environment? In what environment does my child do well.

Where do I have the most success with them? At home? A park or playground?

A crowded bounce park where your child may be overstimulated may not be the best place for a play date.

Practice makes perfect

Have play dates with family friends, cousins, and siblings, and in emotionally safe situations over and over.

“Beyond role-play simulation” means you have play dates with a goal in mind and your child tries to experience what it feels like to address their challenge.

Having play dates in emotionally safe situations is really important for your child's social development — Having play dates in emotionally safe situations is really important for your child’s social developmentCredit: Getty – Contributor

For example, they have a play date with the goal of problem-solving on their own or managing their emotions when they lose a game.

Become a social spy

Build your child’s noticing and observation skills by having them become a social spy.

Your child will rehearse with you ahead of time, then “spy” on others to obtain key social information.

Suggest that your child observes others to obtain key social informationCredit: Getty – Contributor

Most children who struggle with social skills don’t stop to notice the important cues such as what other kids talk about at lunch, how loud they are on a train or in a museum, and what their teachers do with their bodies and voices when they are frustrated.

Keep it under two hours

The time of day you choose for the play date can be a set-up for success – or a deal breaker.

Most children aren’t at their best when they’re tired or hungry so select a time when your child has the resources to focus on their play mission.

Keep your eye on the time when your child is playing, extended play can be too muchCredit: Alamy

And having long extended play dates can be too much for a child to demonstrate emerging skills.

Limiting the play to under two hours may help your child play better.

If it goes off the rails

Talk to your child about past challenges before the play date and formulate a plan.

Try to pause, then remember, your plan is to breathe slowly in and out when you start to get upset.

Create a subtle cue or code word to remind your child if you notice things going off track.

For example, offering a snack or suggesting the children go outside might be your way of reminding your child of their intentions.

Celebrate effort

After the play date is over, spend some time chatting with your child about what they did well and celebrate their effort, saying, “I saw you really try to manage your big feelings when you felt someone was being unfair.”

Then also ask your child what they struggled with and make a plan and prepare for the future.