Dear Coleen
When I was growing up, my parents had a very abusive relationship, which has scarred me for life.
My dad’s no longer alive and I haven’t seen my mum for 20 years.
I resented her for staying with my dad who was a violent which was terrifying to be around as a small child.
My mum, who was only 18 when she had me, was also a drug user and couldn’t cope as a parent, so I was brought up by my maternal grandmother, who was absolutely wonderful, but has sadly passed away.
My mum’s clean now and has a long-term partner and she wants to be in my life again, but I don’t know whether I can forgive her for not being there for me as a child and for not leaving my dad.
I’m 45 and haven’t seen her since I was in my twenties.
I have a happy, stable life now – a husband and two lovely children – and I don’t want to mess things up by allowing her back in.
I do feel guilt though, but I also don’t think I owe her anything. Have you any advice?
Coleen says
Understandably, you still have a lot of anger, resentment and sadness from what happened to you as a child and your mum getting in touch will inevitably bring all that to the surface.
However, I also think you have a lot of unanswered questions and, at the end of the day, she’s still your mum and I think that’s where the guilt comes in.
You could agree to meet her face to face and just see how you feel, and you’d have the opportunity to ask questions as well as hear her side of things now she’s clean.
It might help you understand a little bit more but it doesn’t mean she has to come back into your life and play mum.
But it might give you peace of mind or some kind of closure by listening to what she has to say and letting her know how you feel.
Alternatively, write to her and be honest that you don’t know if you can meet her or forgive her.
It can be very therapeutic to put it all down on paper.
But, whatever you do, you can do it on your terms – you can control it. Meet her alone or with your husband and take it as slow as you like.
From your letter, there’s obviously something gnawing away inside you, and it could help to talk to her.
I don’t want to sound as if I’m making excuses for your mum, but she was young, addicted to drugs and at the mercy of an abusive partner. It was a very toxic time in her life.
She clearly wasn’t capable of having a child at that point, but she did. She sounds as if she wants to make peace and to explain herself.
One last thing, have you considered therapy? You could even have some sessions before seeing your mum.
