Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we’re both in our 30s. We have a nice life and two lovely kids. He has always been a good, hands-on dad and we have a solid friendship.
But – and it’s a big but – the chemistry between us has gone. It’s like we’re flatmates and co-parents, but that’s it. We rarely have sex and, when we do, it’s pretty dull.
We have actually talked a lot about our relationship and what’s lacking and we’ve gone through periods of time when we make an effort, but then everything just returns to normal and we’re back to square one.
To complicate matters, I contacted an old flame I was at university with and we’ve crossed a line into flirting and wanting more.
He’s unhappy in his marriage too and has been for years.
However, when I think about leaving my marriage, I feel confused. Should I keep trying to make it work or admit that it’s never going to get better and walk away while I’m still young enough to meet someone else? How do you know when it’s time to give up?
Coleen says
Ah, the million-dollar question! It took me a couple of years to walk from my first marriage, but I think I had to work through it all in my own time and, when I did it, I had no doubts.
I think you need to trust your gut, but also feel confident you’ve explored all options before calling it a day.
If you haven’t tried couples’ therapy, then why not give it a go before making any big decisions? As for this other man, you need to be careful that he doesn’t just represent what you’re missing in your marriage – excitement, fun, romance, flirting and so on.
Relationships are challenged over the years, whether it’s from outside factors beyond your control or within the relationship itself.
Sometimes things are boring and you need to shake yourself out of the rut – you have to ask if you think there’s enough to work with, which is where couples’ counselling can help.
In terms of trying in your marriage, you have to get into a routine of making time for each other and not letting it slide. Schedule it like you schedule other things.
No, it’s not sexy, but it gives you the chance to be available to each other and that’s half the battle. It’s very easy to lose sight of what brought you together in the middle of work and domestic duties.
If you give it a proper shot and it’s still not working, you know you tried.
