Name: The hard stare.
Age: Around as long as there have been eyes.
Appearance: Literally the scariest thing a seagull has ever seen.
Why would you want to scare a seagull? Oh man, I hate seagulls so much. They’re too big, they’re too noisy, they look like the most evil thing ever created and they dive-bomb you for your chips. One even stole someone’s dog.
So what can be done about them? Poison? Woah, now, steady on. Let’s not actually kill them.
What do you suggest? It’s time to deploy the big guns: the hard stare.
You mean the thing that Paddington Bear does? Basically, yes.
And that gets rid of seagulls? Apparently so. Madeleine Goumas from Exeter University conducted a study where she ate chips on a beach. If she kept her eyes down, she was inundated with greedy seagulls. But if she stared at them as they approached, they would flap off.
Who knew that staring would be an effective intimidation tactic? Nobody. Well, apart from all the worst people you’ve ever seen in pubs.
This is fantastic news! I’m going to go and stare at a seagull now! Just keep it to under four minutes.
Why? Because in 1997, the psychologist Arthur Aron found that if you stared into somebody’s eyes for four minutes, you would fall in love with them. Imagine how annoying it would be to fall in love with a seagull just because you didn’t want it to pinch your lunch.
Didn’t Aron’s very scientific test also involve asking 36 questions of each other? You’re right. Maybe you can stare at seagulls for four minutes, as long as you don’t ask if they typically rehearse phone calls before they make them.
Phew, bullet dodged. But definitely do not stare at a seagull for 10 minutes.
Oh no! What now? In 2015, a researcher from the University of Urbino, Italy, made volunteers stare into each others’ eyes for 10 minutes and it actually altered their state of consciousness. Many reported seeing monsters, family members and themselves within the face of their partner.
I definitely do not want to see my face psychically implanted on a seagull’s face. Who would? Like I said, seagulls are awful.
This whole thing seems a complete minefield. Are there safer ways to keep seagulls at bay? Have you tried eating indoors?
Do say: “I stared at a seagull and it went away.”
Don’t say: “Then it came back and now we’re getting married.”
