Being a divorce coach has taught me that some relationships have to fail

I had trained as a life coach so I started creating a tool kit of techniques to help me cope better: I turned to friends and contacts who could give me sound advice on the things I was most worried about like money, finding a new home and being a single parent. I tried to find the silver lining from even the biggest challenges in an effort to be more self-reliant.

It worked. I began to feel happier and as my confidence grew, I knew I wanted to help others suffering with a broken heart. I didn’t want all this trauma to be for nothing.

This is where my divorce coaching business starting to come to life.

As a divorce coach, I help people navigate the emotional rollercoaster of their breakup and show them how to manage the practical challenges they will face. This could be anything from letting go of your ex to dialling down conflict, co-parenting and rediscovering your identity now you’re single, because divorce turns your life upside down.

It can rock the strongest of people. Every week in my coaching clinic I see men and women who are worried they will never find true love again. Yes, loneliness is a scary emotion but an unhappy marriage can be a lonely place, too.

I’ve noticed that those going through divorce list just two criteria for finding love with a new partner: 1) they must have a pulse and 2) they should show them affection.

It may be obvious to point out but it’s not a recipe for a long lasting and fulfilling partnership.

I believe there is one essential key to finding true love: It’s not just about what you want from a partner but what you need.

It’s easy to work out what you want. A client, Luke*, told me recently that he wants a partner who is kind, loyal, thoughtful and who loves to travel like he does. It was a long list but included nothing about what he needed.

The best way to identify it is by looking back and learning lessons from past relationships so I asked Luke to spend time reflecting on what had gone wrong for him and his ex. He was able to do this honestly because he was so desperate not to make the same mistakes again.

Another client, Melissa*, told me her husband could never express his emotions to her, rarely told her he loved her and found it hard to support her when she was having a tough time. Previous partners had similar traits and she had persuaded herself that all men were like that.

She needed a partner who was emotionally open and able to express his feelings, as well as being able to pick up on her emotions and support her too.

The one thing Luke and Melissa both needed – that we all, without exception, need to make love work – is connection. Of course, relationships need things like kindness, compassion and sparkle too if they are going to work, but connection is what we all crave.

When we lose it, we look to find it again to prove that we are loveable and that we won’t be alone because there is still so much stigma around breakups, and especially divorce.

It carries a sense of failure, that you didn’t make it work and that potentially there is something wrong with you. It’s just not true.

Some relationships fizzle out over time, some end suddenly with betrayal and some are unhealthy and toxic to stay in.

Of course breaking up doesn’t guarantee you will meet someone else but it does mean you are free to be yourself and learning to love yourself is the reward for the pain.

Divorce can be a terrible, traumatic experience but it can also shine a light on what you really need from a partner to be happy, and it offers another chance to find true love.

We only live once. Life is too short to be unloved and unfulfilled. I have seen too many people settled in relationships that weren’t making them happy because they felt that’s what they were supposed to do.