I’m a 31-year-old man in a committed relationship of two years. I had a rather strained and difficult childhood, and experienced a lot of problems with anxiety and depression. When I grew up, I had few female friends, and a lot of difficulty with dating. I never really had a serious relationship until now.
As a result, I (regrettably) sought the services of escorts. I have a well-paid job, so for a couple of years it was never difficult to arrange no-strings encounters with attractive women. In the midst of this, I was able to start dating, and built up the social skills and self-confidence to meet women on my own. Before asking out my current girlfriend, whom I met at work, I stopped seeing escorts.
We have a very loving relationship, and I haven’t told her about these prior encounters – and don’t intend to. I have never been unfaithful to her, and never intend to be. Where I have trouble is in adjusting from being with escorts to being with a girlfriend. Although we have fulfilling sex, I find myself frequently daydreaming and reliving the encounters I had with these women. At times I am tempted to seek out their services again, even though I know I could never live with being unfaithful. The thought of this makes me feel guilty and sad about my past, and about my ability to bond with my girlfriend sexually. I need to somehow get over my history in order to be more satisfied with my current relationship, but find myself stuck.
There were some contradictions in your letter. You’re very happy in your relationship, but you’re not satisfied. I think there are a few issues going on. In one way, what you’re describing is pretty universal: you have fantasies (in your case, sex with escorts) that don’t sit easily with a committed relationship. Lots of fantasies stay as just that, but you know that yours are achievable: you have crossed that boundary and made them real.
I consulted Dr Stephen Blumenthal, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst who specialises in helping people with psychosexual difficulties. (I want to make it clear that neither Blumenthal, nor I, are justifying or condoning sex work, but instead coming at this as neutrally as possible in order to help you.)
We talked, at length, about why people pay for sex, and how this differs from, say, picking up a stranger for a one-night stand. The handing over of money is important, because it makes the person paying feel in control, not just of the sex, but of the emotional side. It is controlled and fake intimacy, and it may stop the person feeling overwhelmed by another’s feelings. In your letter you also mention your well-paid job. This is important, too. Simply put: money equates to freedom, independence and autonomy. There is probably something far in your past that means this has become important. To you, independence and detachment means safety.
Blumenthal thought your hint at a difficult childhood was interesting; “especially the link between your recent past (the money and escorts), and the distant past (the anxiety and depression)”. He went on to explain that seeing escorts enabled you to overcome your difficult past, and learn to form a relationship and have sex with a woman whom you didn’t pay.
After two years, this relationship is getting serious, and you may be thinking: “What next?” The gloss of the new may also be going, which is what happens with real relationships. But for you this has an extra layer. As Blumenthal explained: “In this new relationship, as it gets more serious and heads towards [further] commitment, inevitably past patterns of behaviour are activated.”
In your case, what is being reactivated is the part of your past that you are running away from, and for which the escorts were a coping mechanism. But this time, escorts cannot be the answer, because you risk losing your relationship.
How you get “unstuck” is by understanding more about what those childhood difficulties were, and what caused these anxieties. You’ve realised on some level that your past coping mechanisms don’t work in your current situation, so you have to find new ones. I think some really focused therapy would pay dividends for your future now.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
