Bayern Munich v Tottenham Hotspur: Champions League – live!

16 min: Without getting anywhere near top gear, Bayern are dominating here. Spurs have been disjointed. Your nomination

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for great Canadian footballers has arrived. A reminder that at this stage in the 7-2 match, it was 1-1. “Paul Stalteri!” yelps Pally Walnuts. “A legend for his last minute winner against West Ham.”

That as easy. A calm sidefooted finish from eight yards by Coman, who was found free coming into the left-hand side by Gnabry.

12 min: Perisic chips a cross from the byline beyond the back post. Pavard meets it with a fine volley. Gazzaniga makes a good block and then, with the help of Alderweireld, tidies up to prevent any foe snaffling the rebound!

9 min: A strong burst by Davies, who again feeds Comna. This time the Frenchman elects to play it infield to Thiago Alcantara, who tries to nip a pass through to Gnabry. But it’s another mislaid ball.

7 min: Coman shanks a cross from the left way out of play. He was provided with the ball by Alphonso Davies, a 19-year-old who, if he’s half as good as suggested by people who’ve seen a lot more of him than me, is set to become the best Canadian footballer since …. since … I’ll get back to you on that.

5 min: It’s scrappy so far, with both sides giving away possession like dope dealers fearing a bust.

3 min: Kimmich drops a pass over the top of the Spurs defence and suddenly Gnabry is clean through! He scuffs his shot wide from eight yards … but it doesn’t matter because it turns out he was offside.

1 min: We have kickoff! Bayern do the necessary. Those of you who wear clothes might like to know that Bayern are clad in an all red kit while Spurs are sporting deep ocean blue.

The players are on the pitch. The stadium looks to be full. It’s quite a setting for young Ryan Sessegnon’s first start for Spurs.

The atmosphere in the stadium must be absolutely rocking. Because Spurs fans Martyn Lunn has nothing better to do than send me this mail: “The only stadium news to report is that you can drink your beer in your seat and Xmas markets are overrated. It is also a bit nippy. Hoping to see a good bit of the Parrott boy at some stage.”

“Kia ora from New Zealand,” chirps John Palethorpe. “Great to see young Sarpreet Singh on the bench for Bayern this evening. A year ago he was lining up for the Wellington Phoenix in the A-League, tonight he could be the first Kiwi to play in the European Cup since Wynton Rufer. Incredible rise of the young man from South Auckland.”

So, as expected, Tottenham’s team has a slightly experimental look. Not quite as thrown-together as the one Spurs sent to Germany in the 1995 InterToto Cup, when they suffered their biggest ever away defeat in Europe. They lost 8-0; that’s basically why you won’t find Alan Pardew’s name in the Tottenham Hall of Fame.

Bayern: Neuer; Pavard, Martinez, Boateng, Davies; Alcantara, Kimmich, Coutinho; Coman, Gnabry, Perisic

Subs: Ulreich, Goretzka, Singh, Müller, Mai, Lewandowski, Zirkzee

Spurs: Gazzaniga; Walker-Peters, Alderweireld, Foyth, Rose; Dier, Sissoko; Eriksen, Lo Celso, Sessegnon; Moura

Subs: Austin, Sanchez, Son, Wanyama, Skipp, Tanganga, Parrott

Referee: G Rossi (Italy)

Hello. This is one of those matches that existentialist philosophers love. You are free to give it your own meaning. In competition terms, it is absurd: Bayern have already qualified for the next stage as group winners, and Spurs have already got there as runners-up. But the teams are here and so are we, so let’s make it matter. Express yourselves, players! Express yourself, reader!

Actually, the game does carry at least a little jeopardy, especially for Bayern. They come into it on the back of two domestic defeats and they are not the kind of club who can tolerate a third straight loss, especially not to a side whom they whupped 7-2 a couple of months ago. That was a different Tottenham, though, one led by a Mauricio Pochettino nearing the end of his tether. Now José Mourinho has the reins and it will be a matter of pride to him to show some improvement. You might think improving on a 7-2 defeat will be a doddle, but canny Mourinho has introduced an extra element of intrigue by leaving a load of first-teamers in London, including Dele Alli, Harry Kane, Jan Vertonghen and Serge Aurier, along with the injured Hugo Lloris, Tanguy Ndombele, Harry Winks and Erik Lamela. So expect some lesser-spotted faces to get a look-in today. It’s a pity for Spurs’ U-19s that they had to play Bayern’s U-19s earlier today (result: 3-0 to Bayern), otherwise they might have got a run-out against the senior side here. It’s on!

Kick-off: 8pm GMT, 9pm in Munich.