Your A to Z guide to the Tory leadership contest

In a few weeks’ time almost no one will get a vote when our next Prime Minister is chosen. Yes, it’s the sensational contest to shape our country’s future in which you almost certainly won’t be allowed to take part. The big choice that isn’t a choice at all. The expression of the people’s will that is lacking only on thing — the people. That’s because just a few Tory MPs, and maybe 100,000 party members,  are busy deciding what happens at the top of what we still fondly think of as one of the world’s oldest democracies. 

Confused? Don’t worry. So is everyone taking part. To help you get a grip here’s our A-Z guide to what is really going on in the Tory leadership contest. 

A is for ambition. For others, never for yourself. Say things like “Ambition to build a better Britain” and “Ambition for our party”. Reach out to the young by saying: “Ambition for the next generation.” Personal Ambition, however, is a bad thing and must be hidden. Unless you’re Boris and can’t hide anything.

Not quite a separate letter but here’s an addition to the alphabet — ABB is for Anyone But Boris. You need to be that Anyone. Unless you’re Boris.

B is for Brexit, of course, which needs to be “delivered” (see D). But don’t go on about how to do it since, like all your rivals, you haven’t got a clue.

C is very much for Contest, and not for Coronation, because we need Choice. The last time there was no Contest, no Choice, and only a Coronation, Colleagues got Theresa May, which didn’t work out. C may also mark the Centre Ground, which is where you insist (like all the others) you stand. But not C for the Coalition government, or for Cameron (who won a Majority, see M).

Finally, C is for Cameras (see J for Jogging) and for the Coincidence that the Cameras just seem to be there as you set out. 

D is for Delivery, especially for Brexit but also every important thing that the Government has failed to do. It also stands for Debate, which only underdogs in the race want to see take place, and for Division, which naturally you’re against — and refers to people who don’t agree with you.

E is for Emigrate, which is what despairing voters think of doing. It is also for England, which candidates must care about deeply but not mention when in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland. E is also for Eleven, which is how many candidates are running at the moment. Enough for a football team, although not a very good one. 

F is for Farage, who is not to be named. It is also for Fairness, which you’re very much in favour of. It is not about Fake News, which is spread by your rivals, or about F**K, which is what Boris said he would do to business.

G is for Gove (Michael), who you need to stop, unless you are Gove. In this case it isn’t for Government, which we hardly have any more. 

H stands for Hunt (Jeremy) and Hancock (Matthew), but also for Hustings, which will take place soon. H is for Hard, too, as in Hard Brexit, which could do Harm and condemn the Hard Brexiteers to a special place in Hell — unless you’re one of them, in which case H is for Mrs May’s Humiliating deal. 

I is for Infighting, which is what led to this battle. It is also for Ideological purists, who are the Remainers (if you’re a Leaver) and the Leavers (if you’re a Remainer). 

J is for Jogging early in the morning, which candidates do to work up a sweat for the cameras (see also Coincidence). Curiously, those who do not go jogging, like Rory Stewart and Dominic Raab, seem to have fitter bodies than the rest. 

K is for Karate, in which Raab has a black belt. It is also for Knockout blow, which applies to any happening that damages one of your rivals. 

L is for Launch, which is what all candidates must do with their campaigns. It may also be for London, which Boris used to run back when he claimed to be another L: Liberal. The letter is definitely not for Lose, which is what every MP fears at the next general election. Also Loose cannon: words to avoid if you are Boris.

M stands for Meaningful Choice, which is code for wanting someone other than a hard Brexiteer to make the last round of the contest (see ABB). M points as well at the Membership, who are supposed to vote (but not if there is a Coronation, see C above) and who are largely to be feared since they are old. M is also for Metaphors, the more mixed by Candidates the better (as in reaching out across the centre ground to lift our sights). M stands for Malthouse (Kit), too, a candidate who mixes more Metaphors than most, and Majority, which is what the Conservatives once had before Theresa May threw it away.

N is for National Interest, which you are of course completely devoted to. It is also for No Deal, which may or may not be in the National Interest — or, if you are Jeremy Hunt, is both suicidally against the National Interest, and something we can live with and prosper.

O is for Oven, after James Brokenshire was photographed with four at home. O is also for Optimistic — which candidates must claim they are about Britain’s future. It can be for Opportunity too, which is what Tories think they create. Most of all, however, it is for One Nation, which is what everyone must say they believe in (and no one understands).

P is for Policy, which candidates are trying to put together fast. To do that they are using another P, Polling, to see what is Popular so they can Propose it.

Q is for Quitting the race, which is what some candidates will be starting to do in the next few weeks.

R is for Rank and file, or grass Roots, which is how people talk about the Membership (see M above). It is also for Recess, which Parliament is in, allowing candidates time to try another R, Reach Out (across the divide). R is also for Rory Stewart, and for his real first name, Roderick, which means Rod Stewart is Running in the race.

S stands for something that no candidate dares propose, a Second Referendum. To do that would make them Shudder. S is also for Strategic, which sounds good, and for Soundings, which is what Candidates do with Colleagues (see C). Finally, S is also for Serve, which is what everyone pledges to do, or not do, if there is No Deal.

T reminds us of poor Theresa, who is still Prime Minister but has already been forgotten. It also stands for Thatcher who, for the party, brings happier thoughts. Most of all, T is for Trump, who is coming next week.

U is for the Union that all candidates must promise to preserve. It is not the same as the Unions, which they all oppose. It could also be for Unique, as in selling point, if candidates can think of one.

V is for Victory, and also Vision, which is what everyone needs to achieve it. It’s also for Voters, whom the candidates talk about incessantly — but the Voters they’re really thinking about are their Colleagues, and about 100,000 elderly Members.

W is for Withdrawal Agreement, about which Parliament cannot agree. It is also for WhatsApp Groups, which is where this contest is taking place. Since we live in the modern world, W is no longer for Wives, which candidates once had to parade. Instead, they just happen to be around when the Cameras (see C) come to call.

X is for Xenophobic, as in remarks, which candidates must condemn in the Brexit Party even as they try to appeal to Xenophobes among its voters.

Y is for Young People, who are no longer Tory. Candidates must promise to “win them back”. Y is also for YouTube videos, the wobblier the better.

Z is for ZZZZ… which is what voters do as this contest sends them off to sleep. Or could it be Zeitgeist? Probably not. Sounds too German for most Tories to understand.