A new survey, by the lender Zopa, has revealed that British people don’t reach financial maturity until the age of 31. At 22 we are apparently most frivolous with our money – overspending on holidays and nights out – but by our early 30s we tend to take better control of our finances. The survey comes complete with a list of signs that you have reached financial maturity – you have a savings account and a pension, for example – but it’s by no means comprehensive. So here’s a better list.
1. You can check your banking app without having a 45-minute full-body palpitation.
2. You can receive a brown envelope in the post without automatically assuming HMRC is planning to throw you in prison.
3. You make your own lunch every day, ideally from things you have scavenged from a neighbour’s bin.
4. You can walk past an estate agent’s window without having a tantrum about the impossibility of home ownership.
5. You don’t buy anything until you have searched the entire internet for the best deal.
6. You shun holidays in favour of closing your eyes and thinking about holidays – basically the same thing.
7. You refuse to lend your friends cash, preferring instead to deliver a quick motivational address about the power of aspiration.
8. You can read literature from a bank or insurance company without glazing over like a shop mannequin.
9. Your pension plan doesn’t revolve around you dying in a suspiciously timed skydiving accident on the eve of your 70th birthday.
10. You have incredibly rich parents.
11. You shun all the latest expensive fashions, such as trendy clothes and dentistry.
12. You have an emergency fund that does not solely consist of €23 and a Twix.
13. You can be told your credit rating without asking anyone whether it’s good or not.
14. You know how much money is in your account at all times, but not because your bank keeps sending you panicky texts about the payments it is having to refuse.
15. You have incredibly rich parents.
16. You’ve realised that friends are ultimately a financial burden, and so spend all your nights in silent pitch-black solitude.
17. You have home insurance.
18. You have life insurance.
19. You have life insurance that doesn’t constantly act as a terrifying reminder that you are worth several times more to your loved ones dead than alive.
20. You cook your dinners in batches to save money, because eating shepherd’s pie every night is actually quite underrated.
21. You can look your children in the eye without wondering how much you would get if you harvested their organs on the black market.
22. You spent your entire childhood dreaming of the day when you could become a cackling unscrupulous private landlord.
23. You have never bought an avocado, for you know that a supermarket avocado represents the highest possible level of insane decadence.
24. You haven’t been to a Pret in eight years.
25. You have incredibly rich parents. I know that this is the third time I’ve mentioned this, but, well, it definitely seems to help.
