The prosecution: Mafalda
I’m not against my sister going out and having fun, but she’s also got to respect my boundaries
Before Mariana, my older sister, moved in last summer, I had my own space and routine in this flat. I was nervous because she’s such an extrovert and I knew our lifestyles were different. Mariana loves going out, meeting new people and having parties, whereas I’m really not into any of that.
We established rules right away, one of which was that we couldn’t have strangers here. I knew that when my sister lived at university she had parties that got out of control, so I said: “Only friends and friends of friends, no strangers.” She didn’t like it, and said whatever she does in her room should be her business, but I argued that it’s a shared space and I want to feel safe. Mariana is a lot more free than me, sexually and socially, but I told her she needed to compromise and eventually she agreed.
The first night I left her alone, Mariana had a huge party with a band she met at a club. There were loads of people in our flat when I got back, and the floor was sticky. The morning after, Mariana was apologetic, saying things just got out of hand; she seemed so sorry I let it go.
But then about two months later she brought a random guy back for the night. She had called at 2am that night to warn me and told me he was a friend of a friend who had lost his keys. She said he’d be stranded if we didn’t let him crash so I’d agreed. But when I started chatting to them, it quickly became clear the story didn’t add up.
I was stewing all the next morning; then Mariana confessed she’d made up the story because she’d wanted him to stay over. We got into a huge fight. Mariana thought I’d overreacted but she broke my trust over a random guy, so what did she expect?
Since then, Mariana hasn’t brought anyone back (that I know of). I’m not against her dating casually, but she needs to respect my boundaries. I also think it’s better if she gets to know someone before bringing them home. This rule isn’t about controlling her; it’s about protecting her and our shared space – why can’t she see that?
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The defence: Mariana
I’ve had a few fights with my younger sister about my love life – I’m offended she doesn’t trust me
My sister is particular about having boys in the flat. She’s younger than me, still at university, and has less experience with relationships. But I’m in my mid-20s, and the rule makes a big difference to my life. Before living with Mafalda, I lived with a friend and we did what we wanted. I’m sexually comfortable and used to bringing people to my space.
After my sister and I agreed on the rule, I was still really defensive. I said it was my room and my space.
When I had the party that first time, Mafalda wasn’t even there for most of the night. There wasn’t much to apologise for as I cleaned up the mess. I had planned on inviting just a few people but loads turned up at the door. I knew most of them though.
We’ve had quite a few fights about my love life. Mafalda said if I had been dating someone for a while, she would be OK with it, but if it was the first or second date, she wouldn’t want them around. She would feel uncomfortable. I was offended that she doesn’t trust my judgment. Does she think I go for terrible, dangerous guys? She once said I shouldn’t be having casual sex, which annoyed me – it’s not her business. I tried to explain that I would never bring someone back who would put me in a dangerous situation, much less her.
That one time I brought a guy back and lied to her was stupid. Mafalda bought into it for a while but we were clearly drunk and lying. Afterwards, she and I had a huge fight and she didn’t talk to me for days. I tried to apologise but she got really angry. Mafalda kept reiterating that I had no consideration for her wellbeing. She blew it out of proportion, especially when I’m the one cleaning the house and cooking dinners – she forgot about all that.
After a few days we had a long conversation. Now, ideally, if I want to bring a guy home I’ll prepare Mafalda and make sure she’s heard of him before so it’s not a surprise. But there may be times when this doesn’t work or she doesn’t approve, and I can’t stop living my life to suit her.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Mariana stop bringing strangers back to the flat?
Mariana is guilty of reneging on the agreement she made with Mafalda. If Mariana feels the terms are proving too restrictive, she should either attempt to reach a new compromise or look for somewhere else to live.
Julia, 67
Mariana should be allowed to bring randoms back to her room and, when her sister’s out, be allowed parties if she cleans up afterwards. Mafalda should realise that it’s safer for Mariana to bring random men back to her place than going to theirs.
Poppy, 38
Mariana appears to have been forced into accepting a rule which doesn’t suit her needs. The time when she lied about the guy’s keys is a natural reaction – we break the rules we don’t agree with and didn’t make.
Alex, 35
Of course Mariana wants to have fun in her twenties, but not bringing strangers back to the flat is a small compromise to make. She is also being naive if she thinks she can identify a “dangerous guy” on a first meeting.
Miranda, 22
For all the talk of compromise, the rule is Mafalda’s, and Mariana’s “rule breaking” since makes clear this was no negotiation and no agreed truce. Perhaps the seeds of a true compromise lie in Mariana’s final statement – fair warning as often as possible, and trust where not.
Richard, 39
You be the judge
So now you can be the judge, click on the poll below to tell us: should Mariana stop bringing strangers back to the flat?
We’ll share the results on next week’s You be the judge.
The poll will close on Thursday 13 January, 9AM GMT
Last week’s result
We asked if Roland should pay more of the rent, as he earns more than his boyfriend, James.
53% of you said no – Roland is innocent
47% of you said yes – Roland is guilty
Have a disagreement you’d like settled? Or want to be part of our jury? Click here
