Woman poos in the bush before anal sex but it ends up getting all over the bed

(Picture: Ella Byworth for

If you’re going to have anal sex, there might be some poo involved, everyone knows it.

One woman even has a ritual to ‘clean out’ her bum before any backdoor sexiness to avoid that altogether.

However, after one slightly drunk date, she forgot to do her usual ritual and things got, well, a bit messy. But you already knew that’s where this was going.

The woman, anonymous for obvious reasons, wrote to Australian site Mamamia, about the dating mishap which ended up with poo and leaves all over her bed.

She began: ‘You know that feeling when you meet someone and you really like each other and then you both get drunk and they stay over and you have sloppy drunken sex and then suddenly there is human poo in your bed and the magic gets a little bit destroyed forever?’

And of course, she delivered. Poo and all.

After drinking lots of Chardonnay, the couple decided to go back to her apartment where, she told him, he should f*ck her in the ass which he thought was a sensational idea.

But when he decided to have a shower before it all began, chaos ensued.

(Picture: Ella Byworth for

The woman wrote about how her plans to douche herself had been ruined by her date being in the bathroom. So she filled up a water bottled, squirted the water up her bum and realised she had nowhere to expel the contents.

‘I gingerly crept out into my tiny courtyard, which backed onto the shower and very quietly, in the dark, expelled whatever demons lay in my colon,’ she wrote.

‘I could see his lovely face through the window and I was terrified he would turn 37 degrees to the right to look out the window and clock me crouching in the dark like a maniac doing god knows what. But, small mercies, he did not.

‘I ran back into the bedroom and posed seductively on the bed.

‘We began to have extremely sexy sex. For two minutes. Until we both fell into a deep, boozy sleep. No backdoor action at all. All that effort was for nada.’

But then in the middle of the night, the date decided to have a smoke in the garden. And when he smokes, he paces up and down.

‘I had just drifted off the sleep again when I heard him get back into bed. Then I felt something wet and squelchy on my leg.

‘That’s weird, I thought. Then I smelt something a bit pooey.

‘But then the smell got stronger and I peeled back the [covers] and my leg was covered in shit. Oh god, I thought, did I shart in the night?

‘Then I saw leaves in the bed too. All through the bed. It was carnage. Leaves and shit everywhere.

‘He started squealing and I started squealing. We were shocked, dismayed, revolted and then….

‘I remembered. I pooped in my backyard.’

She realised that the date must have stepped in her poo and got back into bed with it stuck to his feet.

She somehow managed to convince him, however, that it was possum poo. The two of them then stripped the sheets, had hot showers, and decided to never talk of it again.

And they’re still together.

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