Fashion

Why the pandemic has put pressure on women to achieve a pre-baby bucket list



As much as we hate to admit it, if you’re a woman who wants kids it can feel like there is an ever-present ticking time limit for when you need to try for a child by.

We’ve been told from a young age that our egg count ‘falls of a cliff’ from 35-onwards and for many of us, this means if we want to have children we have to start trying in our late 20s or early 30s. I say trying because for some couples, especially those facing infertility issues, it can take years to conceive.

I’m one of those people who has always known that I want kids – but I also have this persistent feeling that there are so many places I want to see, things I want to experience and career goals I want to achieve before I even consider having a baby. A pre-baby bucket list, if you will.

Before the pandemic, I felt like I was on this trajectory. As a travel writer I’ve been lucky enough to visit some incredible countries and experience some once-in-a-lifetime moments (seeing the sun rise over the Sahara desert with my mum is something I’ll always cherish). But I can’t help but feel like the pandemic has thrown a rusty spanner in these plans.

A year of our lives has slipped away due to the pandemic and, as I edge closer to 30, I’m feeling the mounting pressure to ‘get it all done’ before that fertility clock gets louder. And I’m not alone.

Sarah Compton, 30, from Bedford says she took the opportunity to live out her pre-baby bucket list dream when she was made redundant.

“I used to be a product manager in London but I always dreamt of having my own homestead and so has my other half who grew up on a farm,” Sarah explains. “When I was made redundant, I knew I had an opportunity to start again. So my husband and I left the city for the countryside.

“Our house needs a lot of work, so before we pursue our second dream of starting a family I’ve been busy building chicken coops, hatching chicks, planting potatoes, composting and collecting eggs. Next on the list, we need to establish a pen for soon-to-be adopted goats, create a pond for our ducks, sort a rainwater collection system and, hopefully, finally use our several-times-rebooked tickets for a holiday to Greece!”

Friends I’ve spoken to recently feel the same time pressure, but why do we, as women, feel like we need to ‘get it all done’?

“For the majority of women, trying to work out the right time to have children can be a real head scratcher,” Pascale Lane, life coach, author and founder of the Surviving to Thriving membership group tells GLAMOUR.

“It’s tricky because we have to balance career progression and biological clocks alongside time with our little bundles of love and financial security. It can be overwhelming and I think that’s why so many women are choosing to have children later on in life now.”

Counselling Directory member and psychotherapist Kirsty Taylor says that it’s “undeniable” that women carry a greater mental load when it comes to thinking about having children.

“The ‘baby- panic’ that women often experience is anxiety about missing their chance to have a baby. With a biological clock designed to make women think about their fertility choices, a society that still tells us we should be having a baby by a certain age and with more expectations than ever before of the things we want to achieve before we’ve had children, it’s a huge amount of pressure and more than on any other previous generation,” Kirsty explains.

“There are certain milestones that are seen as almost box ticking exercises in terms of achievement – education, travel, marriage, career success, a home and all of these things take time to achieve and potentially delay parenthood.”

Millennials, Kirsty said, is the generation that particularly feels that increased pressure to achieve these societal milestones.

“There has been so much change in the social expectations placed on women, and many of these are wonderful developments in terms of equality and advancement,” Kirsty says.

“However, these expectations have altered, and our biology has not. Our body is still designed to be having babies in our 20’s and early 30’s, and achieving this idea of a ‘pre-baby bucket list’ means many women are delaying children to their late 30’s and early 40’s, where the chances of conceiving are significantly lower.”

The best way to combat this pressure is to consider the priorities important to you, rather than what societal expectations we feel are placed on us. For me, I know I have my whole life to advance my career and achieve the things I want to achieve, but some of the travel that I want to do won’t be financially feasible after starting a family.

“You can travel the world with a small baby, but practically that would be more difficult than doing this before having children. If that is a life-long dream, then deciding to do that and potentially putting some other aspirations on hold might be a good solution,” Kirsty advises.

“It’s important to remember that it’s perfectly possible to continue to achieve a great deal after having children. We cannot ignore the fact that life will be altered dramatically and there will be more plates to juggle, but there is still so much that can be achieved whilst being a parent.”

I think that’s something that I, and many women in their late 20s and early 30s who are starting to consider having a family, need to remember. Just because we have a baby it doesn’t mean our lives have to drastically alter. While of course, our lives will inevitably change (no more dancing on Infernos’ sticky floors at 1am), as humans we are built to adapt to change and sometimes these changes bring the greatest joy.

“Many women choose to go back to education, to pursue a life-long career ambition, to make changes that work for both themselves and their family once they have become a mother,” Kirsty continues.

“It’s important to really have a think about where these ideas came from in terms of getting it all done. Are these markers of success that we hold ourselves to really ours, or a combination of great expectations from family, friends and society? What do you want to achieve? What does happiness look like to you? These are the things that should be driving us, not the expectations of others.”

So while it might feel like you have to tick off everything on your pre-baby bucket list, remember you are still you after having kids and all of your hopes and dreams and goals are valid and can be achieved at any life stage.



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