I stood on the scale; the number staring back at me was the lowest number I had seen from this machine.
This was the day I had been waiting for. Seeing my goal weight of 55kg, I ran to the mirror, expecting (hoping) to finally see perfection – but I just saw me. There was no change… no lightbulb moment of happiness, no pride of finally hitting my goal weight, just the same old me. The answer to all my hopes was supposed to be in this moment and yet as I looked in the mirror, I still felt miserable. I knew instantly, (a realisation I wish had come years earlier) that the number on the scale or the size of my jeans was never going to fill the void that lay deep within me.
I wondered what would. I was in my thirties and I needed answers. On the outside my life ticked every box:
Married – tick
Mother of two – tick
Family and friends – tick
Financially stable – tick
Healthy – tick
My personal decline started when I was 34.
I had two babies and I decided for the sake of our family unit to leave my career in TV and editorial hair and makeup. I set up a private salon from my home and watched my husband’s career grow from strength to strength, while mine made a very different yet necessary turn.
I ran a successful thriving business from my home and juggled motherhood alongside it. On the outside my life looked idyllic. But a very loud, repressed part of me felt my potential as a woman was being vastly unfulfilled. I had an easy life and a work/life balance most women would aspire to, but I knew, intuitively, I needed more.
So, I did what women do best, I made myself feel immensely guilty for wanting more and told myself to suck it up and accept life is good. After all I had everything I ever wanted, and I had no right to want for more.
But in the back of my mind a relentless voice wouldn’t stay quiet.
I decided to find a hobby. One that would make me feel better and help me ignore the truth. I focussed my attention and energy in my appearance and achieving a six pack.
For four years I invested in the perfect body being the answer to my restlessness. I delved deep into obsessive nutrition and gym regimes in a bid to find what was missing, unsurprisingly I never found it there. All I found was an eating disorder, an exercise addiction and a lot of solitude.
My friends became increasingly worried about me, my husband was tearing his hair out and all I wanted was to go to the gym and prep my food for the next day. The more people attempted to reach me, the more I withdrew.
The more my kids relied on me, the more I crumbled.
I disconnected from everyone and most of all myself.
Fast forward to four years after that morning standing on the scales in my bathroom, I can proudly say, that woman no longer exists. The woman who stood on those scales hoping to find her meaning there in that number, decided she wanted more from life and she deserved more. The incessant worrying about macros and calories, the constant stress every time she had to go out and eat in public finally ran its course. Her life had no joy.
That moment on those scales, looking at the golden number was the moment when everything would be worth it. Every missed bedtime, every gym session, every smile I robbed myself and my kids of, would finally pay off and guess what? It didn’t.
It was, out of the whole journey the darkest moment of it all, because I was faced with my disorder, my depression and my reality. I knew then I needed to find a way to be able to enjoy being me again.
Through therapy, support from my family and friends and an exploration into self-development, I slowly began to find my essence.
During one of my many courses, I signed up to the Landmark. A controversial weekend that claims to transform you in 3 days. I watched a coach, inspire people within 15 minutes to see life from an empowering perspective. I watched her with awe and it gave me butterflies. (I have since learnt to always listen to my butterflies) I turned to my friend and said “I would be really good at that” she nodded and just like that I knew this was my path.
After that weekend I found a course which fitted my values and I signed up within 2 days.
I trained for 18 months with a company called CTI and certified as a Co Active coach. Co-active means I coach the person, rather than the problem. I coach you through a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual process.
For me, it was a metamorphosis. I evolved into someone with a deep sense of love and understanding of who she now is. As for my eating disorder… that took time to heal. I taught myself how to eat again. I worked on my guilt around food and slowly started to see food as a joyful experience.
I am still incredibly mindful about my relationship with food and
possibly always will be.
Today as a certified coach, I support women on their quest to finding themselves, their meaning and purpose. Listening to women and watching their day-day struggles is what inspired me to set up my podcast FEMALE-ING. I wanted a place where women could listen to real everyday struggles and find comfort and humour in knowing they are not alone in their experiences.
I have worked with women one-one for 26 years and in that time, I have never come across a woman who looks in the mirror and says something kind about herself… never! This is symptomatic and indicative of how a woman still views herself and this is not changing quickly enough.
There is that great quote by Dr Gail Dines “imagine if every woman woke up tomorrow and decided to love herself how many industries would go out of business.”
I have two daughters and my hope is to inspire them and all women to live with self-love, radical acceptance and allowance to be who they authentically are.
If we all took a moment to really own our individual beauty and purpose, then we will have made a vital change for the younger generations of women to accept themselves, understand themselves and BE themselves.
For more of my work please listen and subscribe to my podcast and radio show FEMALE-ING. I kick season four off with the influential Deborah Joseph, Editor in Chief of Glamour who talks candidly about her burn out and how she now lives life on her terms You can also find me on Instagram.
