Lifestyle

Why do people like hate sex and is it healthy?


You might hate them, they might hate you or you might both hate each other (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Ever had mind-blowing sex with someone you despise?

The theory is that the experience, known as hate sex, is so intense because of the disgust you feel towards the other person.

Your anger is translated into passion, which then transforms to a steamy session between the sheets.

Hate is a strong word and the level of resentment you feel towards your ‘hate sex partner’ may not actually be all that deep. It might just be an annoying colleague that you don’t like very much or an acquaintance who always manages to get under your skin.

Most often, people seem to mention hate sex in relation to exes. Perhaps you had a messy break-up that left you with a jumble of feelings. You might not love them anymore and their breathing may be enough to piss you off, but that doesn’t mean that the idea of getting freaky isn’t appealing.

However, the important question isn’t who we’re having hate sex with but rather, why do we like it so much?

What is hate sex?

According to professor Craig Jackson from Birmingham City University, hate sex is an ambiguous term and refers to a myriad of scenarios.

You might hate the other person, they might hate you or you might hate each other.

‘Some people think “hate sex” is a unilateral act, referring to one partner actively disliking the other person, and the sex takes on a form of micro-aggression and even retaliation and revenge,’ he said.

‘For others, “hate sex” is a shared experience where both partners may have a dislike for each other, whatever the source, yet still consent to sex, with the antagonism and tension between the two partners seemingly making things more zesty and spicy for both. It’s a collaboration.

‘Whatever the application of the term “hate sex” it clearly involves at least one person having negative feelings to the other and wanting to act out those negatives in a physical yet intimate way.’

Do bear in mind that while hate sex may take an aggressive form, like all other types of sex, it still needs to be fully consensual.

Why do we like hate sex so much?

‘When talking about sex and relationships we understand that the opposite of love is not hate, that it is ambivalence,’ Kate Moyle, sex expert at Lelo, tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Hate sex, in short, is sex with someone you hate which can still be very passionate and for some people can offer a way of expressing emotions towards one another. The experience of arousal and adrenaline can make us feel charged up, which can be channelled into sex.

‘The reason that people may have this type of sex is unique to their individual context and situation, as will whether it feels good or bad for them afterward.

‘Although it may offer a very intense experience it won’t necessarily help the situation or change anything between two people, and it may feel confusing if you feel close to that person in the post-sex lull.’

There’s also a bit of science at play. When we’re attracted to someone our brain sends three chemicals – also known as neurotransmitters – to our nerve cells, according to a study published in the journal Human Brain Mapping.

Each of these chemicals has a different function:

  • Adrenaline: released when we feel stressed, excited or afraid
  • Serotonin: improves wellness and makes us feel happy
  • Dopamine: known as the feel good hormone

Here’s the interesting part; this is a purely biological reaction, meaning it doesn’t just happen for people you like.

When you’re angry, adrenaline is released in your body, which could partly explain why you fancy Brian from HR who is a bit of a dick or your annoying neighbour Nina who constantly tells you to keep the noise down.

However, while the myth is that hate sex is fantastic, that isn’t always the case.

‘I was going out with this girl and had every intention of breaking it off,’ said Peter*, 28.

‘Despite being completely fed up with her company, I went out with her for drinks one more time and we ended up having hate sex afterwards.

‘It was OK, but the thing is I was still mad about her behaviour and was more put off than I realised.

‘Still, I really just wanted to show her how good I was and the anger helped.

‘Not sure if she knew it was hate sex, but it definitely was for me.’

Is hate sex healthy?

Pam Custers, a Counselling Directory member who runs a psychotherapy practice and specialises in relationship issues and couples counselling, says that hate sex isn’t good for you.

‘While it may be dressed up as finding someone you despise as sexually attractive, it is abusive,’ she tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Dominating through sex is not intimacy, nor is it mutually respectful.’

Pam also differentiates between make-up sex and hate sex, and explains that the former can rekindle a flame and is ‘underpinned by love’ – while the latter is not.

However, not all experts agree.

Professor Jackson points out that hate sex can allow people to show a different side to themselves, such as calling their partner names or treating them in a way that they never would outside of the bedroom.

He also links hate sex back to a theory presented by Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis.

‘…Freud believed that it was perfectly healthy to have negative feelings such as envy, hate, anger, jealousy, annoyance about everyone, including the people we like, are attracted to, or those we even love,’ said professor Jackson.

‘Sex, especially “hate sex” is an acceptable format to allow these emotions and feelings out. What would be unhealthy, Freud contested, would be to not let those emotions out but to suppress them.

‘So in short, many relationship experts would say that “hate sex” is a safe way to let off steam. Perhaps it is about being honest about one’s feelings.’

There is no clear-cut answer on whether it’s healthy to engage in hate sex, because like most other sexual emotions, it’s very individual.

However, there are certain risks.

Having sex with someone you don’t like or don’t respect could cause you to feel negatively about yourself. If you’re not the person who is angry or ‘hateful’, the experience might not give you the mental or physical satisfaction that you want, either.

Your sex life is yours to enjoy, and if hate sex is something you like, then by all means go for it.

Just remember to check in with your own feelings to make sure it’s what you really want.

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