Earlier this year, we investigated the future of sex, which revealed that many experts believe that sex will lose its importance in society.
With dating apps providing us with more opportunities to hook up with strangers than ever before, this might sound far-fetched, but research suggests that this trend is already developing.
A new study by Zaucey.com has just revealed that one in five Brits have sex three times a year or less, with most of us having sex every 75 days on average.
Millennials in particular had a dry spell during 2018, which became their most sexless year to date, according to data from General Society, analysed by the Washington Post.
So people aren’t shagging as often as they used to – but why?
Tom Thurlow, founder of the sex toy brand Ricky.com, believes that we might be enjoying ourselves less with a partner, but that’s only because we’re busy ‘self-partnering’ (the new phrase for being single, coined by actress Emma Watson, in case you missed it).
‘Getting frisky under the covers with a partner might be on the decline but I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing or that we are getting less sex,’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
‘What is transforming is the way we view sex with many of us now experiencing better sexual satisfaction by ourselves.
‘Younger people especially are more empowered and embrace the topic of sex without the stigma that was around just a few years ago.
‘It’s this new normalisation which is giving people the confidence to learn more about their bodies; for example they may read a story on the internet about how to achieve an orgasm which then leads them to discover a new method that really helps them to climax, that might have been unsuccessful when they tried with their partner before.’
Ricky.com has also analysed sex toy purchases on its site and found that most returning customers opt for products that are better suited for solo play, such as rabbit vibrators or bullet vibrators (though you can absolutely use these with a partner, too).
Mark Vahrmeyer, a psychotherapist at Brighton & Hove Psychotherapy, echoes Tom’s thoughts, and adds that we’ve lost sight of ‘why’ we’re having sex, with the activity having evolved from being a fundamental part of life (procreation) to also existing for pleasure.
‘With the social and cultural revolution of the 60s, sex became empowering and something to be enjoyed.
‘Sex therefore shifted from procreation to connection and pleasure (though behind closed doors it was always about the former and to some extent the latter),’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
‘However, with the commodisation of sex though the rise of high-speed internet and free porn, sex has become something that increasingly people engage in alone.
‘Perhaps therefore millennials are not necessarily having less sex; they are having less sex with other people.’
Another explanation for why sex is in decline could be that we’re not able to form bonds with others, also courtesy of modern technology.
He says: ‘If sex becomes commoditised through “hook-up” apps and porn, then while it may seem more accessible, in reality, making sex happen with another person becomes anxiety-provoking.
‘There has evolved a segregation of romance from our daily lives where romance (or desire) is played out on screen and through apps where we can be and create what we want.
‘In the last 25 years, the seismic shifts in society fuelled by globalisation and technology have stripped away all social and cultural meaning from sex.
‘It is more accessible than ever before. But the paradox is that it is only more accessible in fantasy – the reality means experiencing vulnerability and connection with another human being, which in the absence of observed social rituals (dating, courting) makes sex something we desire in fantasy but fear in reality.’
Hayley, not her real name, has gotten freaky in the sack twice this year, mostly because she doesn’t enjoy one night stands and doesn’t ‘feel there’s enough of a connection’.
‘I haven’t been in a long-term relationship for a few years, and although I have a high sex drive (I do masturbate regularly), casual sex is rarely pleasurable for me,’ she says.
‘I find it hard to achieve orgasm with a partner and with most one night stands, I don’t feel there’s enough of a connection to feel confident and explain what I really want.
‘I had one incredible encounter this year where I saw someone I recognised from social media and I “slid into their DMs”.
‘We talked for weeks before we met up and I think that helped both of us to communicate our needs and desires. There was no awkwardness – the intimacy was natural and enjoyable. I wish I had more encounters like that.’
Hayley also tells us that she has friends who have gone through ‘sex droughts’, often due to mental health concerns, such as feeling tired, insecure or stressed.
With stress levels rising across the nation, many people are turning to antidepressants to cope with symptoms, and a common side effect of this type of medication (SSRIs or SNRIs) is experiencing a lowered sex drive, though it doesn’t happen to everyone.
The NHS prescribed a record number of antidepressants last year, according to the BMJ, so it stands to question whether this also plays a role in Brits having less sex.
Regardless of the reason, it’s important to note that there’s nothing wrong with not having sex.
If your body and mind is saying that it’s time for a break from getting freaky with others, that’s totally OK.
Don’t push yourself to do something that you don’t feel like, just because others in your social circle are having sex on a regular basis.
Then again, if you’re not having sex because you’re afraid of putting yourself out there and meeting someone, but want to, it might be worth looking into ways that you can help yourself along.
This could be anything from going to a speed dating night, taking part in a sexual education workshop, visiting a private sex club (you don’t have to have sex with anyone, but it might spur on your libido) or simply getting to know yourself better in bed.
If you believe your mental health is the reason for you declined interest in sex and it bothers you, chat to a medical professional to discuss what options are available (therapy, for instance).
Looking after your general well-being, making time for yourself and living a healthier life could also help.
In the meantime, while you’re not having sex, enjoy time with yourself.
Don’t worry, the sex will come (pun fully intended).
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