‘I am the squirting queen – or the queen of squirting on faces,’ says Lola Jean, by way of introduction. She is heading up tonight’s Kurious Kittens workshop in Shoreditch where we’ll be discussing the whys and wherefores of ejaculating out of your vagina.
Prosecco in hand, I sit at the back in my anorak. We’ve been told the live demo’s no longer occurring, but I don’t like to leave these things to chance.
Lola Jean apparently holds the world record for cannoning lady jizz out of her love tunnel and I imagine she could do some damage to a cashmere jumper.
‘I haven’t always squirted,’ says Lola Jean, to the studious stans scribbling in their notepads.
There are 30 of us sitting on chairs arranged to face a projector screen, on which Lola Jean will show us footage of her personal sprinkler system. The welcome email with the workshop details said: ‘feel free to bring along a pen and paper if you wish to take any notes.’ I thought I’d be the only with my Bic out, but this audience is clearly serious about female ejaculation.
‘I had a lover who was very skilled at cunnilingus – that was the first time it happened,’ explains Lola Jean, giving us the origin story behind her Olympian ejaculatory powers. ‘It happened again the next time I saw him, then – for unrelated reasons – we didn’t see each other again, so I locked myself in my bedroom and masturbated until I could make myself squirt.’
Lola Jean is keen to reframe squirting as something empowering a woman can do for herself.
She says: ‘Squirting is highly fetishized and stigmatised, and women are often presented as passive, as if the man makes the woman squirt, and the woman just has to relax. No – you can actively make yourself squirt!’
The record breaker is also keen to, ‘shoot the ‘come hither’ in the head’, meaning she doesn’t rate the’“beckoning finger’ as the default for making women squirt. I didn’t know it was, but perhaps The Beckoner has become an urban myth among men, as I recall my sister’s friend saying she wondered what her boyfriend was doing with his finger, then it turned out he’d watched a You Tube video on making women squirt.
‘The first time you squirt it’s often at the same time as you orgasm, but it’s not the same thing,’ says Lola Jean. ‘When I orgasm, I usually squirt as well, but most of the time when I squirt, I don’t orgasm.’
So, um, what exactly is the point of it? ‘It’s a release,’ she explains. ‘It feels good. It feels pleasurable. The build-up to squirting is like going up on a roller coaster, and squirting is what it feels like on the way down.’
OK so, I’ve spoken to a number of women and their partners about squirting, and I can’t help thinking about the mess. Nobody wants to sleep in the wet patch, and Lola Jean shoots out over a litre of liquid. That’s enough to destroy the entire ecosystem of my mattress. Biscuit crumbs, flapjack flakes and what’s-hopefully-a-bit-of-chocolate could all be washed away in the flood. How can I avert this crisis?
‘Towels are not great,’ says Lola Jean, speaking from experience. Instead she recommends puppy pads (a thing for cleaning up young dog wee, not an obscure sex aid) for soaking up the mess or putting down a Liberator blanket. ‘This soaks up everything – then you just throw it in the wash. I use one unless I’m in a hotel room, then it’s ‘f*** it! Let’s destroy this!”
And of course, we couldn’t do a workshop on squirting without addressing the question of what it is. Is it wee?
‘Is it pleasurable? Did it feel good? Then it’s likely not pee,’ says Lola Jean. ‘Our bodies don’t want to pee on people. In the shower, I’ve switched back and forth between peeing on a guy and squirting on a guy, and it’s not easy to switch between those two different modes. I’ve also squirted my life savings during sex, then gone for a pee afterwards.’
In Lola Jean’s view, ‘there is a tiny bit of pee in it, but there are other elements in it too. I’ve tasted mine and it tastes like cereal milk.’ She points out that we know very little about female sexuality and adds, ‘we don’t question what’s in men’s ejaculate.’
The burning question for the avid note-takers seems to be can every woman squirt?
‘We don’t have enough research to definitely say that, but I believe every woman can, if they have a strong enough pelvic floor and a good enough relationship with their vulva,’ says Lola Jean.
Cunnilingus tends to work for Lola Jean, and she notes, ‘sometimes if something’s penetrating you, it makes it harder to squirt. I’ve only squirted a handful of times with a penis in my vagina.’
If she’s by herself, she favours a masturbatory move that she terms The Dirty DJ (think waving-your-hand-about-to-get-your-nails-to-dry, but between your legs) then, ‘pushing out with my vagina.’
And if you’re trying to squirt, but it doesn’t seem to be happening for you?
Lola Jean has these words of wisdom: ‘Don’t chase the squirt, chase the discovery process. It’s figuring out what works for you because there isn’t one way of doing anything.
‘And if it doesn’t happen for you, you’re not broken – you don’t need to squirt to have a good time!’
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