Name: Suggestive fair isle.
Age: New for winter 2019/20.
Appearance: Warm, festive, highly suggestive.
Suggestive of Scottish winter skies and cosy nights by the fire? Among other things, yes.
But it’s a jumper, yeah? “Fair isle” refers to a type of knitwear pattern – named after the island in Shetland – which, in its traditional form, has a restricted palette of four or five colours.
As I said, a jumper. These days, of course, you can get some quite startling variations on the characteristic design, including this £56 Felicity Fairisle sweater from the retailer FatFace.
Has it got a reindeer wearing sunglasses on it? No, it’s an abstract pattern, although many people see something else in it.
Such as? Breasts.
That’s pretty normal with jumpers, but you are not meant to stare. We are not talking about the wearer. As a number of Mumsnet users have noticed, the design across the front of the jumper is easily mistaken for a long row of breasts.
I’m no anatomist, but don’t rows of breasts normally consist of a maximum of two? On people yes, but here it’s more like a continuous string of mammary bunting.
I have got a very strange image in my head. Put it on a jumper, and you’re there.
Oh my God! It’s some kind of monstrous many-breasted sweater! Those who have seen it agree it cannot easily be unseen.
You would think the island crofters who knit these things would notice the problem before they got three breasts across. I’m not sure that’s how it’s done nowadays.
I wonder if many other people have noticed. So far, comments below the item on the FatFace website are exclusively about the resemblance. “Nothing I like more than images of melons on my melons!” wrote MelonGunsGuns.
So people are being quite grown up about this. Absolutely. “The pattern looks exactly like a row of boobs!” wrote another commenter. “Multi-boob bunting across your own boobs!”
Titter titter. That’s what she said!
Somebody worked hard on that design, and now it’s ruined. “BIT OF A BOOB” writes one online shopper, Titania.
That’s enough – the fun’s over, people. The fun ended a while ago, but the people are just getting started. “NORKTASTIC!” adds Multinorks of Nork Park.
Do say: “Oh, well. At least I know what to get Uncle Phil for Christmas.”
Don’t say: “If you’re looking for something more formal, we also do a lovely ball gown.”