A few years ago I signed up for a marathon and it spurred me into a healthier way of living. My partner – who I’m in the process of separating from – has never supported my lifestyle and even mocks me.
We’ve been drifting apart for a while and stopped having sex last year. After a conversation about separating, we sleep in different rooms and are saving to get our own places.
But he’s now said he will give up smoking, start exercising and do whatever is necessary if I agree to try again.
I’m ready to move on but it feels like I’ve been saying no to him forever. How do I manage this situation until I leave?
Promises of change are often empty ones.
‘Either he’s smoking or he’s not smoking,’ says James McConnachie. ‘Either he’s running or he isn’t. Why does he get to impose conditions when he could just change?’
While it’s noble of you to continue worrying about his feelings, we wonder whether you’re simply accustomed to putting others’ needs before your own.
‘You want to treat him kindly but that isn’t kindness, it’s delayed suffering,’ McConnachie adds.
So be very clear, you’ve been saying no to sex, to sharing a room and to sharing a life and he isn’t hearing you.
‘When we say no and it isn’t heard we tend to repeat ourselves,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘But you now need to find a different way of telling him that it’s over and for this to be effective, letting him down gently won’t be possible. You need to be very clear and firm about your decision.’
Compromises, such as living together, aren’t going to help, says Rupert Smith.
‘If you stay under the same roof, you’re both sending and receiving very mixed messages,’ he says. ‘If you really want to go it alone, untie yourself from co-dependency and bite the bullet.’
Leaving now might feel like it’s creating more sadness but try to trust the process.
‘Holding on to someone because you fear letting them go or hurting them is disrespectful and unhelpful,’ says Rudkin.
While it’s wise to be careful about finances, we suspect you will be forced to choose between your financial and emotional health if you continue sharing a home.
‘It’s very difficult to tell someone you no longer want to be with them, only to share a bathroom and meet them in the kitchen every morning,’ says Rudkin. ‘You must make it a priority to move out, even if it means moving in with family or friends temporarily.’
So is there a plan you can make? Have you confided in friends, family and possibly a counsellor to keep you focused on the issues that really matter?
‘Because you can plan to separate as much as you like,’ says McConnachie. ‘But until you actually separate, you won’t be free.’
The experts:
- James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
- Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
- Rupert Smith is the author of Interlude (Turnaround)
Would you have given different advice? Let us know in the comments section below.
Got a sex and relationship dilemma?
Email it to Lisa.Scott@metro.co.uk.
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