A FRESH batch of preening egos and self-absorbed wannabes have left me no choice but to hold Bizarre’s New Year’s Dishonours List again. I launched the awards last year in a desperate bid to make stars sit up and take note of their mortifying antics and be better in 2019.
I saw it as a public service, but sadly another year goes by and I am having to hand out more of the gruesome gongs – even if the stars may not be so keen to receive them. I’m bestowing the MBE (Most Boring Entertainer) and OBE (Outstanding British Embarrassment) on the most deserving – alongside a Knighthood and Damehood for those who went the extra mile to disgrace themselves . . .
Victoria Beckham – Lamehood Award
A repeat offender from last year’s list, I’m happy to bump up Victoria Beckham’s MBE to a Damehood.
Recent accounts showed her snooty fashion firm has lost £12million, taking total losses to £42million in 11 years.
To trim costs she is cutting back on pot plants and ditching her chauffeur.
A big reality check may be in order. I’m happy to give her just that.
Katie Price – Not-So-Special Lifetime Achievement
DESPITE my warnings 12 months ago, Katie’s car-crash life hit rock bottom in 2019.
Since January 1 the glamour model has been declared bankrupt with six-figure debts, landed a staggering two driving bans in consecutive months for speeding and drink driving, and even racked up a conviction for abusing ex-husband Kieran Hayler’s new partner at a school gate.
Only Prince Andrew’s had a worse year.
Wayne Rooney – OBE
THE footballer’s long-suffering wife Coleen has again been left red-faced with embarrassment by his latest antics – so he thoroughly deserves his OBE.
She was furious when Wayne was snapped with a mysterious woman getting into a hotel lift after a night out in the US.
No wonder she’s glad to have him back in Britain – where she can keep a closer eye on him.
Outstanding British Embarassment
Danny Baker – OBE
THE veteran broadcaster was axed by the BBC for his absurd decision to post a photograph of a chimpanzee and label it new royal baby Archie – landing himself with accusations of racism.
He has never been boring, but the incident certainly marks him out as an embarrassment – and his decision to face live news channels on his doorstep the following morning while wearing a fez, and showing little humility, makes him a worthy recipient of my OBE.
He’s never been one to learn his lesson easily, though I can but try . . .
Prince Andrew – Plain old Andy
THERE is no debate, the royal stands head and shoulders above all others for disgracing himself in 2019. His interview with Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis was a complete and utter disaster.
The Prince may not be a star in his own right, but he’s certainly fond of a celebrity party.
So while he may already hold a raft of proper titles courtesy of his royal status, to Bizarre he’ll be plain old Andy for 2020 – and I suspect many of our readers will feel that has a good ring to it. That or “the accused” . . .
Kevin and Stacey – MBE
LAST year I stripped 2018 Strictly Come Dancing winner Stacey Dooley of her real-life MBE – because making a handful of documentaries simply doesn’t warrant one.
But after finally coming clean about her blindingly obvious romance with her dance partner and co-star Kevin Clifton– which was said to be an open secret on the Strictly live tour – I’m happy to give her one of my own MBEs instead.
There’s nothing more boring than taking us all for mugs.
Paul Hollywood – Lamehood Award
THE BAKE Off judge may be one of the nation’s finest bakers, but the trials and tribulations of his love life have been hugely over-cooked.
He cheated on his wife with a fellow TV host on Bake Off’s US version. His wife took him back, but he dumped her to go out with a barmaid . . . who dumped him. He’s now dating another barmaid.
Embarrassing barely covers it.
Climate Change Hypocrites: Lewis, Olivia, Benedict: MBE
PERHAPS the dopiest stars of the year, all well-deserving of my MBEs for their yawn-inducing antics, are the climate change hypocrites including Lewis Hamilton, Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch– who spent much of this autumn lecturing us on saving the planet while respectively driving a Formula One car, becoming the face of British Airways and flogging cars for MG in a megabucks advertising campaign.
Kanye West – MBE
THE American rapper provided the year’s most disappointing musical endeavour.
After keeping fans waiting for more than a year for his latest album he released half an hour of preaching tripe – which firmly puts him in line for recognition.
Sadly for Kanye, who now hosts weekly gospel events, showbiz redemption feels a long way off.
Mel B – OBE
HER endless claims about what The Spice Girls may or may not be planning next – usually without consulting her bandmates – bags her a gong.
The singer was key in the band’s triumphant comeback this summer, but couldn’t help announcing plans to extend their world tour at the end of the final Wembley gigs.
The promised new dates never materialised.
Dan Osborne – Knightdud Award
THE reality TV love rat made himself a shoo-in for the year’s worst-performing male.
He even managed to upstage his wife Jacqueline Jossa’s brilliant I’m A Celebrity win when a model told of a wild threesome with him.
He got himself noticed for all the wrong reasons while shamelessly issuing endless denials about his wrongdoing.
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