A study has been released telling us that women aren’t enjoying sex as much as men. Research published in the BMC Public Health medical journal claims that 47.5% of women in the UK have poor sexual health, which in this study included emotional problems as well as physical ones, compared with just 17% of men.
We spend a lot of time and money looking after our mental health these days and we all know that having good sex makes us happy – so why aren’t we prioritising it as least as much as going to a yoga class?
In the survey, conducted by the University of Glasgow, 34.1% of the women reported a lack of interest in sex, compared with only 15% of men. This mismatch in “sex drives” is a problem many of us are familiar with, and it is often thought of as an inevitable part of long-term love, but it’s also the cause of great misery for many people and a common cause of relationship breakdown. Some couples are happy having less sex over time, but lots aren’t. And even if one partner is fine with the arrangement, the other one often isn’t.
In our society, the lonely lover who doesn’t get laid any more often doesn’t receive much sympathy, while the overstressed partner who doesn’t want sex is given more understanding. I would like for us to extend a little more sympathy to the sex-craving partner. Wanting to have more sex is not an unreasonable desire. So should these 34.1% of women just suck it up and pretend they want to be having sex? No, of course not. But a mismatch of sex drives is something couples can work on together.
Sadly, there is no real equivalent to Viagra for women. We have to talk about it instead, but luckily there is a handy psychological model. Instead of thinking of libido in terms of sex drives, it is more useful to think of everyone having a sex accelerator, which is pressed by our turn-ons, and a sex brake, which is pressed by things that turn us off. Everyone’s sex brake and accelerator have different levels of sensitivity. If you’re trying to want to have more sex, a useful question to ask yourself is, “Is too much hitting my sex brake or not enough hitting my sex accelerator?” Or is it both?
There is so much out there that can hit our sex brake, it’s a miracle any of us has any sex at all, what with the fear of unwanted pregnancies and STIs, poor body image and the regular stresses of life. On top of all that, it’s really difficult to want to have sex with someone if you’re slightly angry at them for never taking the bins out. If these things are hitting your sex brake, tell your partner, and work together on a solution to lighten your load, so you can focus on the things that hit your accelerator.
When we first have sex with someone, the sight of their naked body can be enough for us to become turned on, but over time, as the novelty of this fades, many people need more to become aroused. This might mean more romance. For example, many women find it hard to switch from doing the dishes to suddenly being sexual, and need a whole evening of emotional intimacy as foreplay.
Or it might mean exploring the themes of your sexual fantasies. Many of us have recurring fantasies, things that again and again we think of as we masturbate. I am a big believer in really analysing these and sharing them with your partner. Even if you can’t recreate them, because they take place in 18th-century France, or you’d never actually want to because they are cold and dangerous, you can think about how you feel during your sexual fantasies and try and recreate these same feelings in your sex life. Are you dominant or submissive? Are you being punished or adored? Even if your partner isn’t into recreating them, talking about them will probably hit your accelerator.
In our society, we are heavily discouraged – especially women – from asking for what we want: in life, but also in sex. For some people it can feel like a vulnerable act to ask for a hug, so asking for their wife, or husband, to put on the 18th-century French maid costume can seem impossible. It can feel easier to take the bins out ourselves rather than asking for help around the house, even if the result means that you feel less connected and less sexually attracted to your partner. But I urge British women who aren’t satisfied with their sex lives to prioritise what they want. To prioritise making time for sex, and their own pleasure.
• Flo Perry is the author of How to Have Feminist Sex, published by Particular Books
