Parenting

they can be irritating, but screaming babies have a right to go out


It sometimes seems like the world is not quite designed for children. Even the pavements of Hackney, one of the more child-friendly parts of God’s green earth, are beset by pram-height pratfalls. I speak not merely of the snarling traffic and caustic fumes, but the scaffolds jutting out at satanic angles, as if designed by devious opticians hoping to drum up business by scarring the eyes of passing infants.

Yet a growingly vocal number of people appear to find their lives impeded by all the tiny, screaming dictators littering their public spaces. Earlier this month a pub landlord in Bristol drew criticism for suggesting children remained stationary and silent in his establishment. (How would this be enforced, gags? Straitjackets?) In response, an Irish Times article last week claimed children had ‘poisoned the restaurant experience’ and advocated, albeit tongue-in-cheek, a total ban. This drew bitter rebukes from parents and non-parents alike. But, in the real world, most parents I know are happy for child-free spaces to exist, not least because on those rare moments they can grab dinner or a drink without their kids in tow, they would probably choose those spaces in a heartbeat.

It’s not that I’ve internalised some sort of anti-child prejudice. I understand that I have every right to look after my son in public and his potential for alarming volume shouldn’t bar me from eating with him. It’s just that, when he starts performing that wonderful magic trick where lungs the size of tea bags generate the sound of an industrial angle grinder, I think other people have a right to not find it immensely charming. I mean, I certainly don’t, and I love the little guy.

If there is a spectrum of tolerance for screaming, I just happen to be on its lower end. Before my son arrived, I was told my attitude to crying babies would change, and I’d suddenly have a fresh new wellspring of understanding. To some extent, this is true. In trapped spaces, planes, buses, air raid bunkers and the like, I possess a compassion that did not previously exist, because I’ve been there, too. But, even then, my reptile brain would still prefer to be listening to nails on a blackboard.

In any case, I can’t help but find the whole debate a little disingenuous, since parents are acutely aware of the discomfort that loud or free-roaming kids can create, especially when their beloved turns a public space into their own personal primal scream therapy cell. It’s just that there’s a middle ground somewhere between acknowledging that fact and stapling them to their chairs with gags on their mouths. Save a space for us somewhere. Unruly infants shouldn’t rule the world, but they are still part of it.

Follow Séamas on Twitter @shockproofbeats





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