The perfect mother-of-the-bride dress? Black, barely there and eye-wateringly expensive

Name: The Mother-of-the-bride dress.

Age: New this season.

Appearance: Dramatic.

You mean a dress that the mother of the bride wears to the wedding of the bride? Exactly.

I didn’t know there was anything so specific. I thought you just went to the aisle marked “dresses”. Wake up – it’s 2019.

But how does one even go about picking an appropriate mother-of-the-bride dress? Brides magazine suggests you might want to “ask the mother of the groom what she’s wearing so you can each be dressed in styles that compliment each other”.

Please. That woman has absolutely no taste. Anyway, that’s how to choose any old mother-of-the-bride dress. If you are looking for the mother-of-the-bride dress, this is the one that you want.

That’s a strong look. Yes, it certainly is, and it’s available right now on shopping site Etsy.

Isn’t it a bit … black? I mean, for a wedding? Black is very now. Don’t you read the style pages?

Black is very now ...

Black is very now … Photograph: Tonena

But backless, with a sweetheart neckline? Look, do you want to make a statement or not?

I suppose, but I don’t want to upstage my daughter on her special day. Don’t worry about that. Just click “add to basket” and the rest will take care of itseld.

Is that price right? £1,893.97 for a dress for a wedding when it’s not my wedding? Yes. Order now – it’s handmade by Tonena of Bulgaria and delivery can take up to 10 weeks.

I’m just a bit concerned people might get the wrong idea. Whatever do you mean?

I mean they might think, I’m, you know, evil. Evil is the right idea. Or perhaps Elvira. That’s why this dress has gone viral.

Viral? Twitter has gone mad for it. It’s just the thing for “slamming into my daughter’s wedding mid-Mendelssohn while a lightning storm rages outside”, said @_sashayed.

I can see that it would be perfect for Snow White’s stepmother, but I’m not sure I could carry it off. They also have this sleeveless little number – a steal at £1,069.82. Act quickly, because that’s the pre-no-deal-Brexit price.

Rave Sashayed

mother of the bride…or groom! could be anyone(‘s mother)!

March 12, 2019

Also black. You just don’t get it, do you?

Are those feathers? Why yes. Pheasant feathers, since you asked.

And sequins? How else are you going to ruin your only daughter’s wedding?

But I just want her to be happy. In that case, Debenhams is that way.

Do say: “Before I toast the happy couple, I’ve got one or two things I want to say. Mind if I stand on the table?”

Don’t say: “Do you have anything sexier? I’ve got a big funeral next week.”


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