Age: New posting.
Appearance: Part time, about four hours a day.
How much? £15 an hour.
Qualifications: “If you’re reading this and you’re the right person you have a big smile all over your face.”
Nope. Any others? “The kind of person that is a perfectionist and will continue to think of ways for us to improve our quality of life and make us and the people around us happy.”
And who is us, exactly? “We’re three young entrepreneurs that run a business in central London and live together in a Mega flat near Old Street.”
That sounds like the premise of a terrible sitcom. Is it a joke? No, it is a genuine ad on the website Gumtree, posted by someone called James, seeking a very modern kind of dogsbody.
Like a cleaner? No, they have a cleaner but they need someone who “isn’t afraid to muck in”.
What actual duties are involved? “You’re the first face I’m going to see when I open my eyes every day (part of this role is waking me up, as I really don’t like alarm clocks ),” says James.
I am not doing that. Also, ensuring the fridge “is always stocked with perfect snacks”.
OK. What kind of thing? “We try to be healthy with our food (apart from the chocolate cupboard, which Willy Wonker [sic] would be proud of),” it says.
Do I get a clothing allowance? Yes, but only for their clothes. “We have a serious sneaker collection going on,” say the lads, “so keep your eye on the latest releases and make sure we’re not missing out.”
This is the most punchable ad I have ever read. Have I missed anything? Stocking the bathrooms, coordinating the dry-cleaning, cooking breakfast, changing the beds, organising parties and more.
More? “Thinking of ways we can improve the interior design of the flat … Making juices and bringing them to the office … cleaning all of the shoes and making them bran (sic) spanking for every wear. ”
All that in four hours a day? “Oh yeah and we might be getting a dog in six months or so, so it helps if you’re dog friendly as you’re likely to be nannying our little pooch.”
I’m tempted to seek an interview, for all the wrong reasons. “Put the time into your application,” they say. “This might be the last time you ever do one.”
Do say: “This might be the last time you ever do one.”
Don’t say: “An advert any Wonker would be proud of.”
