GROUNDS FOR CONCERN
The Fiver doesn’t understand all the fuss about Tottenham’s new megabowl. Yes, one of the stands at the stadium that must not be referred to as White Hart Lane 2 is the most spectacular thing to be seen in north London since Tactics Tim’s gilet. But haven’t the architects mistakenly left out a few crucial features? For starters, how come the people in the front rows are so close to the pitch? Isn’t their view of the game a bit too good? Where’s the running track? Why aren’t there huge gaps between the tiers? Why can’t you see all the scaffolding? How come the stewards know what they’re doing? Why weren’t there away fans in the home end? Why was there an atmosphere? So many questions; enough to leave you feeling that they’ve gone and made a right mess of building a shiny new stadium. And to think they only had to look a few miles east to see how it should be done. Oh Tottenham!
Yet Mauricio Pochettino was showing no shame after the first Premier League match at Not White Hart Lane 2 ended in a restorative 2-0 win for his team over Mr Roy’s Crystal Palace, who are expected to start putting a few attacks together any minute now. Pochettino described the experience as one of the best days of his life. It was even better than the day he heard Real Madrid had reappointed Zinedine Zidane. After spending an eternity at Wembley, Tottenham’s manager was delighted to be home. The whole endeavour fell behind schedule and ended up costing £1bn, but Pochettino reckons it will be worth it – assuming he manages to convince Daniel Levy to give him more than a couple of pennies to spend this summer. “World Cup winners in terms of facilities,” he said. “Now the team has to be on the same level.”
The team has been nowhere near that level during the past few weeks, their title challenge fading after an awful run. With Hugo Lloris rolling back the years with his Ian Walker tribute, Tottenham find themselves fighting to stay in the top four now. But they got back on track against Palace. The brilliant Son Heung-min scored the opener and Christian Eriksen, enjoying his first good game since the World Cup, added a second to help Tottenham leapfrog Arsenal into third place. “Tonight, we touched the glory,” Pochettino tooted, getting a little bit too excited about the installation of the largest bar in Europe, the largest club shop in the world and – wait for it – 773 urinals.
Not that Pochettino has to be told he needs to win something soon. All those urinals aren’t going to make the Spursy jibes go away just yet, a point that hasn’t been lost on Chelsea’s Eden Hazard. “A new stadium, they have top players,” the Belgian mused after Chelsea stayed in the hunt for Big Cup qualification with a 3-0 win over Brighton. “In the end, you know we have won a lot of trophies, and they have not.” Too right, Eden. Just don’t get The Fiver started on that absence of a running track.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Game delayed temporarily while the referee spews in the centre circle” – Lossiemouth FC’s Social Media Disgrace Twitter feed reports on an unexpected and highly unhygienic stoppage in the side’s Highland League game against Forbes. The belly-knacked ref managed to stagger on to half-time, when a replacement was found.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra will be in this general vicinity.
FIVER LETTERS
“Although his wife and three daughters might have something to say about his going out clubbing until 3.30am, the chances that Pep Guardiola cares a fig for what Bernard Mendy gets up to (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) are less than zero, as his playing career seems to have come to an end in the Indian Super League. Benjamin Mendy, however, is in another league entirely and if Pep wants to swap his currently rather lax parenting style for chucking him out on to the street, we’ll gladly keep a welcome in the hillsides of Monaco” – Phillipa Suarez.
“The ‘Ole Out ?!’ bandwagon (yesterday’s Fiver). I guess that haters Gunnar hate” – R Reisman.
“With the Grand National only a couple of days away, I like to look for football connections in the field. This year we have the VAR-inspired Up For Review at 25-1, an homage to silky outside-right (or left) play in Bless The Wings at 66-1, and – best of all – Mall Dini priced at 20-1. I remain aware that a certain other of your regular correspondents will probably eclipse me with a wittier, altogether more impressive missive, so I’ll recommend the 33-1 shot: Noble Endeavour” – Tony Crawford.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Leonardo Bonucci has attempted to backtrack on suggestions his Juventus teammate Moise Kean was partly responsible for racist abuse he received from Cagliari supporters, by insisting he was “misunderstood”.
An amateur cup final in Leicester has been abandoned after a supporter allegedly made racist remarks towards a player.
Neil Lennon is rightly fuming over the wee numpty who lobbed a firecracker on the pitch during the Queen’s Celtic’s win over St Mirren. “I don’t see the motivation for anyone to bring a flashbang or pyrotechnic into a stadium,” he seethed. “It didn’t just spook the St Mirren keeper but some of our players too.”
Liverpool splurged £43.8m on Mr 15% fees during the past year – around £17m more than any other Premier League club.
Wolves have bundled £30m into Benfica’s bank account to ensure the Mexican Steve Bull is a permanent player next season.
Alexis Sánchez could lead a summer stampede towards the Manchester United door marked Do One, with David de Gea, Ander Herrera, Juan Mata, Marcos Rojo, Matteo Darmian and Antonio Valencia all likely to follow the ineffective Chilean.
Theo Walcott may have to continue his attempts to realise the mythical potential he has hidden in his 30-year-old feet somewhere other than Everton.
And Ignazio Barbagallo, who plays for Sicilian lower-league side Viagrande, has been suspended until the end of next season for staging his own kidnapping via helicopter during a farewell appearance for the club. Viagrande were fined €200 for “causing the interruption of the game by pre-ordering and allowing the landing of a helicopter on the pitch compromising the safety of those present”.
STILL WANT MORE?
England’s Jodie Taylor gets her chat on with Louise Taylor about the 2015 World Cup, facing Canada on Friday, and her hopes of claiming the Golden Boot in France.
How can Liverpool seal the title? Win, win, win, win, win and win again, deadpans Andy Hunter, though it might not be enough.
Barney Ronay shielded his eyes and came to the conclusion that Tottenham’s dazzling Levy Bowl inspired awe and fear in players and fans alike.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
