LAMACQ ATTACK
Considering Mauricio Pochettino took Tottenham to Big Cup Final a few months ago and actually spent some cash in the summer, it’s been quite the feat from the Argentinian to Spurs the new season up before we’ve even hit October. But after Tottenham were booted out of the Rumbelows Cup by a League Two team more famous for being supported by Steve Lamacq than their own footballing ability, that’s where we are. Yes, mighty Colchester have placed Spurs into minor crisis mode and Poch is pointing the finger at some of his incredible sulks.
“Maybe performances are good,” he honked after a performance ending in a defeat on penalties that definitely wasn’t, “but we need this mental connection, this energy to be all together, not to have different agendas in the squad. We need time again to build that togetherness. We are in a period where it’s a bit tough for us but we keep working to find a solution. When you have an unsettled squad you always need time.”
Pochettino’s USP would appear to be his ability to build team spirit and harmony in his groups of players wherever he has been. If he’s not doing that then just grabbing his cojones on the touchline, and yelping at his players like a sozzled best man trying to keep order on a stag do, is probably not going to be enough. And in any case, his last team-building exercise was to have his Spurs players walk over hot coals and press the tips of arrows into their throats before facing Liverpool – and look where that got them! They looked terrified in Madrid. No wonder Dele Alli has barely been seen since.
Spurs have won only two games all season, against Grealish Villa and Zaha Palace at home. They’ve also rediscovered that famous knack of turning winning positions into precarious ones. It doesn’t help poor Poch’s cause that Spurs overlord Daniel Levy will only sanction a player’s sale if the club are offered the moon on a stick for them. Toby Alderweireld, Jan Vertonghen, and Christian Eriksen are all known to be feeling fresh and funky at either not being allowed to leave or not getting regular football. Perhaps if Levy had been realistic for once they could have cut their losses, bundled the testy trio through the Spurs door marked Do One and gone to Go Ape to plan a proper tilt at the Premier League title.
As it is, Pochettino must try to convince his handful of morose cockerels to give a flying one again by other means. Maybe he could do some one-to-one motivational exercises with them in his office. What’s Spanish for clip round the lughole?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He speaks four or five languages – that is the best way to understand how open-minded he is – and one of his best friends is Mendy. He is like a brother for him. The image for the two is not about the colour of the skin. He took a picture of Benjamin when he was young and he related it to this cartoon, which was quite similar for the image” – Yes, Pep Guardiola really went there.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: England Women’s squad announcement [Tuesday’s Fiver]. It should probably be “Morris Non-Dancing Fiver”, if this article is anything to go by?” – Alex Metcalfe [perhaps the times are changing – Fiver Ed]
“Re: England Women’s squad announcement. I always thought her name was Doris” – Nigel Stubbs.
“Congratulations on shoehorning a Molesworth reference into your item about now-not-so-Nasty Leeds. Here’s another pertinent quote from that [spelling-averse] source: “Foopball is a tuough game but it is a pity you canot win by hacking everybode” – Steve Allen.
“Just wondering if Manchester United’s new standing section is for the supporters or the starting eleven?” – Adam Uncamus.
“Do you think Likeable Leeds will catch on as a moniker?” – Alan Butterfield [No – Fiver Ed].
“Wouldn’t it be good if Nick Kershaw owned up to that bit of plagiarism? The Riddle is why he did it. He’s probably just a Wide Boy and a bit of a Don Quixote. I dunno, something something sun something go down something” – Jon Millard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Allen.
BITS AND BOBS
AFC Wimbledon have suspended their manager, Wally Downes, over an alleged breach of FA betting rules. “Given the seriousness of this breach in FA regulations, the club has decided to suspend Wally with immediate effect,” a Wombles suit wibbled.
Bayern Munich chief suit Uli Hoeness has threatened to withdraw all of the club’s players from Germany duty if Jogi Löw picks Marc-André ter Stegen over Manuel Neuer in goal. “We will never accept a change in goal,” he wailed.
Mauricio Pochettino is demanding a transfer WAR CHEST from Tottenham, for reasons outlined above. “January is a good opportunity to try to fix this type of situation,” he roared.
Wolves’ difficult second season back in the Premier League could suffer another blow amid reports that their Chinese owners, Fosun International, were Thomas Cook’s biggest shareholders when the holiday company went bust.
Lionel Messi may miss crisis club Barcelona’s match at Getafe at the weekend after suffering groin-gah in Tuesday’s 2-1 win over Villarreal.
A 42-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty after apparently taking a swing at a police horse outside Tuesday’s pwopah nawty south coast derby at Fratton Park.
And over in the USA!USA!!USA!!!, MLS suits have backed down after controversially banning fans from flying anti-fascist banners at matches.
STILL WANT MORE?
Grimsby head to Chelsea tonight hoping to summon the spirit of December 1983, when they won at Stamford Bridge. Louise Taylor recalls when the two clubs were going head-to-head for promotion from the old Second Division.
From Ossie Ardiles to Edgar Davids – The Knowledge looks at the maverick outfield players who have worn the No 1 shirt.
Paul Wilson hears from Rochdale’s Ollie Rathbone, who played with Marcus Rashford and Scott McTominay at Manchester United but “didn’t get a sniff” of first-team action.
“I tore my hamstring trying to catch Kylian Mbappé.” Taylor Moore, the Bristol City defender who began his career in France, talks to Ben Fisher.
Since Manchester United beat PSG in March, and gave Ole Gunnar Solskjær permanent custody of the wheel, they’ve played 19 games and scored just 17 goals, as Martin Laurence points out.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
