Sports

The Fiver | Chomping down on bait proffered by famously subtle goading


OH FITBA!

The Fiver’s bagpipes-playing, kilt-wearing, deep-fried haggis-eating Scottish cousin Shortbread McFiver was rudely awoken on Monday morning by the ferocious din of black metal-loving scaffolders across the street, banging, clanging and listening to the monster riffola of Gorgoroth as they went about their work outside his bothy. At least that’s what Shortbread thought until he looked and realised there was no sign of any builders – he’d actually just come around in a ditch in Kazakhstan and the noises were all in his throbbing, ginger heid!

Currently making his way back home from the scene of Scotland’s greatest humiliation yet, Shortbread will be devouring the fitba news from home and unsurprised to learn that, while his country’s football team cannot be relied upon, some things in the world of fitba never change. The talk of Sunday’s Old Firm derby centred around the shock dismissal of the Scottish Premiership’s famously mild-mannered top scorer Alfredo Morelos, sent off for the fifth time this season, when he chomped down on the bait proffered by the famously subtle goading of renowned wind-up merchant Scott Brown and petulantly lashed out.

Of course, in the interests of balance it should be noted that one of Alberto’s four previous red cards was in fact downgraded to an orangey-yellow on appeal, although The Fiver can’t quite remember if that was the first one he was shown against Aberdeen, the second he was shown against Aberdeen or the third one he was shown against Aberd … ah here, time’s a wasting and you probably get our drift. On a big day for “Broonie”, Andy Halliday also saw red in the tunnel at full-time following his bad-tempered clash with the Queen’s Celtic skipper, who missed out on the unique hat-trick of having three separate opponents sent off when referee Bobby Madden and his team of officials somehow failed to notice him almost being laid out by a left hook from Ryan Kent.

“You’re playing against a player who loves to antagonise,” sighed Pope’s Newc O’Rangers manager $tevie Mbe in his post-match assessment. “Morelos and Kent are both provoked. The guy who antagonised it all from the beginning deserves to be punished as well.” While Mbe failed to elaborate on what punishment should be handed down to somebody for simply being more streetwise than his opponents, being unsporting in victory and having a slightly annoying smirk, Brown is likely to escape punishment on this occasion because Scottish fitba officialdom is famously biased in favour of – checks notes – the Queen’s Celtic and because he didn’t actually do anything wrong. Finally, as a footnote for the benefit of Shortbread and anyone else who might have missed it, during all this violence a football match broke out and the Queen’s Celtic won 2-1.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

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Did he hold up a sign in the stands asking for it?



Did he hold up a sign in the stands asking for it? Photograph: Vatican Media/Reuters

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FIVER LETTERS

“I’ve been around for a long time but I have never heard of ‘Sunderland and Pompey meat’ (Friday’s Still Want More?). Does it taste like chicken?” – Phillip Duffy (and 1,056 others).

“Was there a trophy at steak?” – Tim Clarke.

“I have a model to propose for the knockout stage of Euro 2020. If, in the first stage, England are defeated by, say, a record margin, the match is replayed. If, at the second attempt, England are still thumped, but by a smaller margin than the first time around, the match is played for a third time. It wouldn’t be necessary to play the entire 90 minutes – one half should suffice. If, on this occasion, England’s margin of defeat is smaller still, it would show that England are at least heading in the right direction. Accordingly, the other teams in the competition would play a tournament among themselves, and whoever emerged victorious would face England in a penalty shoot-out to determine the eventual winner. Johnny European might not like the process, but he’d learn a thing or two about English determination and resilience” – Tony Crooks.

“Is the fact that the hoardings at the Liverpool v Spurs match advertised Bon Jovi’s ‘This House is Not For Sale’ tour performance at Anfield an example of Alanis Morissette irony or real irony? I’ve never quite understood the difference” – Gareth Rogers.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is Tony Crooks.

BITS AND BOBS

Huddersfield owner Dean Hoyle insists Jan Siewert isn’t heading for the chop after their relegation to the Championship. “I’m very pleased with the work he has put in and I’m genuinely excited to see what his team will look like after a full pre-season,” whooped Hoyle.

Relegation, earlier.



Relegation, earlier. Photograph: Justin Setterfield/Getty Images

Ian Holloway, who is definitely not bitter, has taken the chance to dance on Steve McClaren’s grave after QPR launched the good ship Do One with him aboard. “He took my job, didn’t he?” tooted Holloway. “And I had another year [on my contract] so I’m still being paid by them now … Am I a bit warped and twisted? Possibly. But I didn’t mean it in a nasty way, it’s life: sometimes what goes around, comes around … I’m not bitter at all, far from it.”

Manchester United vibes man Ole Gunnar Solskjær has shrugged off Zinedine Zidane’s flirting with Paul Pogba. “Paul’s happy here,” he whooped.

Andy Robertson reckons it was heart and attitude, rather than Hugo Lloris being bobbins, that led to Liverpool’s 2-1 win over Spurs. “Performances don’t really matter at this point as long as we win,” he roared.

Effing and Jeffing’s Neil Warnock could face retrospective action for getting stuck into Premier League match officials following Cardiff’s 2-1 defeat to Chelsea and his subsequent one-man standoff with them. “It’s all right making genuine mistakes but, at this level, it shouldn’t happen,” he seethed. “Not when you put so much into a game. It’s a sickener.”

Meanwhile César Azpilicueta has asked Chelsea fans to stop being mean about Maurizio Sarri. “We are all in the same boat and will push in the same direction,” he parped, suggesting he doesn’t know how boats, or indeed Chelsea fans, work.

And a Racing supporter celebrated their 18th Argentinian Primera Division title by taking the skull of his dead grandfather on to the streets of Buenos Aires and joining the party. “I didn’t want him to miss out,” he cheered.

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Chelsea’s Bethany England leaving West Ham in her wake. Photograph: Paul Simpson/Frozen in Motion/Rex/Shutterstock

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