Missed out on Glastonbury tickets? How about Swingfields festival, described by attendees as ‘adult Disneyland’ and a ‘professionally run festival of naughtiness’?
Hundreds of horny swingers have descended on a sleepy spot of rural Worcestershire this weekend for the biggest sex friendship festival in Europe. Yum.
The festival, running from yesterday until Sunday, is based in the little hamlet of Upper Welland, two miles from Malvern.
Sounds like the perfect place to end your dry spell. Tell your Mum you went camping or something.
Malvern’s top claims to fame are its insta-perfect rolling hills and being the home of CS Lewis, writer of The Chronicles of Narnia.
Rumour has it Lewis once wrote an erotic novella called ‘The cougar, the whip and the boudoir.’*
*Sorry, this isn’t true. But it is funny.
Feedback from previous years describes the event as ‘friendly,’ ‘one of the best festivals I have ever attended’ and ‘three days of hedonistic fun that will blow your mind.’
It is not clear if ‘blow’ is meant literally or otherwise.
The event boasts bands, DJs, themed play areas and on-site catering.
There are even exclusive glamping venues. Ironically, Swingfields may be the only festival where you don’t have to shag in a tent.
The event began in 2013 and is professionally timetabled to make sure it is fun for all.
Ticket prices start at £105 for single women, with men and couples being charged more. Swingfields’ guide says the different ticket bands are to ensure a well balanced festival.
Sorry lads, they don’t want a sausage fest.
Festival goers are given wristbands to indicate what they are looking for sexually, despite it not officially being a sex festival.
Another strange quirk for a festival that definitely isn’t about sex, Swingfields has a ‘Swinging Glossary’
A Bull is a man looking for casual sex with a woman, who is ‘typically well endowed’, while single women are called a unicorn because they are so rare.
Full swap is when couples fully swap partners for sex, while soft swap is when couples swap partners but limit themselves to oral or heavy petting.
While the festival says it is LGBT+ friendly, the glossary says that in the swinging community being bisexual is ‘encouraged’ for women but that ‘bisexuality with men is typically not socially acceptable.’
There is a themed evening for dressing up as wild as you want.
Sponsors include ‘Libertine Travel – just pack shoes’ and ‘mrslovetube.com’, proud purveyors of gargantuan dildos.
Pack condoms, and possibly retrovirals.
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