“Morning Rob,” says Geoff Wignall. “Having a mid-morning scroll through the OBO, I noticed you had a slight brain fad and omitted Kumar Sangakkara from the top table of modern keeper/batsmen. Late night, was it? There’s a possible case for Dhoni too but surely Sangakkara is nailed on.”
He averaged 40.48 in Tests as keeper, which is less than, among others, Les Ames, BJ Watling, Dinesh Chandimal, Quinton de Kock and even Ivan Mendonca. I suspect that average would have been higher had he stayed as a keeper throughout his career, but we’ll never know, so I’d keep him in the second tier. He’s in the top tier of ODI keeper-batsmen though, probably with de Villiers, Buttler, de Kock, Gilchrist and of course Dhoni.
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Keeper-batsman department “Although he gave up the gloves, surely Kumar Sangakkara tops the list of great wicketkeeper-batsmen?” says Darryl Account. “And don’t forget Denis Lindsay and his demolition of the 1966/7 Australian attack in South Africa.”
Ah, I was only talking about a post-Gilchrist world, which is why I omitted Lindsay. And rightly or wrongly, I think of Sangakkara as a great batsman rather than a great keeper-batsman. I was tempted to include Matt Prior, who was brilliant from around 2009-13.
Gentle Sunday statgasm Wood is averaging 77 with the bat and 13.62 with the ball in this series.
That’s lunch. England lead by 217 runs and will surely bat again. Wood ended with figures of 14.3-2-46-5. He was too fast, too straight, too much for South Africa. After all those injuries, all those years of misery, it’s thoroughly heartwarming stuff.
WICKET! South Africa 183 all out (Paterson c Buttler b Wood 4)
You beauty! Mark Wood gets his second five-for in three Tests. Paterson had a desperate hack and was caught behind by Buttler to end the innings. Wood led England off, waving the ball and sporting a huge smile. The England balcony were all on their feet, with Paul Collingwood coming down from the balcony to greet Wood with a big Durham hug. I doubt there is a more popular cricketer in England.
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68th over: South Africa 179-9 (Hendricks 5, Paterson 0) Hendricks, trying to flick Stokes to leg, gets a thick leading edge for four. That should be lunch, but play will continue because South Africa are nine down.
WICKET! South Africa 174-9 (de Kock b Wood 76)
With the tail exposed, Mark Wood returns to the attack. But it’s de Kock he cleans up with a fantastic delivery! It roared back through the gate to trim the bails – and break one of them, in fact. That was a beautiful bit of bowling to end a charming innings from de Kock. Wood needs one more for his second five-for in three Tests.
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66th over: South Africa 172-8 (de Kock 75, Hendricks 0) “I haven’t got Kim Thonger’s class or erudition,” boasts Matt Dony, “so I went with a limerick…
There was a young bowler named Wood;
And when he was fit, he was good!
If he makes it down under,
Splitting batsmen asunder,
Then he’ll surely deserve a knighthood.
WICKET! South Africa 172-8 (Pretorius c Crawley b Stokes 37)
Ben Stokes is so damn hot right now. He has been the most threatening bowler by a mile this morning, and now he has dismissed Pretorius to break an irksome eighth-wicket partnership. It was an excellent delivery, which lifted and straightened from just back of a length to take the edge, and Crawley took a brilliant low catch in the gully.
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65th over: South Africa 163-7 (de Kock 66, Pretorius 37) The early signs are that the replacement ball is as laconic as the original, so I suspect Joe Root will bring himself on soon. The partnership is now 70 runs in 22 overs.
“The traditional Mark Wood haiku demands a turning point and a season word,” says Simon Coppock. “Perhaps this:
Like the horse chestnut
As winter turns to the spring
Wood has the conker
64th over: South Africa 162-7 (de Kock 65, Pretorius 37) England have finally persuaded the umpires to replace the knackered old ball with a slightly less knackered old ball. Stokes appeals on his own for caught behind when Pretorius pushes down the wrong line at an excellent delivery. England frittered away a review a few overs ago so they can’t risk their last one on that. Pretorius responds impressively to the play-and-miss, timing a sweet boundary down the ground later in the over. He really is overqualified for a No9 batsman.
“Hearing Vaughan’s nickname was Virgil has given me an idea,” says Davorder. “After the trouble England players have gotten into on this tour with expletives, they could do worse than use the lines of the Roman poet Virgil to castigate their foes both on the field of play and off it. For example: ‘Una salus victus nullam sperare salutem.’ (The only hope for the doomed is no hope at all). Incidentally, I believe this sentiment was lifted by John Cleese in the film Clockwise. Benefits of a classical education, as Hans Gruber would say; and I’m confident that England players can say these lines without losing their match fees.”
Frank Tyson would certainly approve. I wish somebody, ideally Duncan Hamilton, would write a biography of Tyson. I’m not sure England have ever produced a more interesting cricketer.
63rd over: South Africa 158-7 (de Kock 65, Pretorius 33) de Kock drives Woakes for four more, a beautifully placed shot that fizzes between extra cover and mid off. England haven’t bowled badly this morning, they’ve just come up against the old overseas formula. Flat pitch + old ball + good batting = hard yakka.
62nd over: South Africa 153-7 (de Kock 61, Pretorius 32) Ben Stokes comes in an attempt to make something happen. And he does, angling consecutive deliveries past de Kock’s outside edge. The second in particular was a beauty that lifted sharply off a length.
“Hi Rob,” says William Ellen. “At the age of, off the top of my head, 27 years and 40 days, Quinton de Kock is probably halfway through his Test career. Where do you think he’s currently at in the wicketkeeper-batsman’s pantheon? He’s clearly staggeringly talented, with a Gilchrist-like ability to slice an attack to death a la the Game of Thrones character Sword of the Morning. But he also has an uncanny ability to get himself out. For example the first innings of the last Test, at the start of the day having just seen Philander get castled playing a loose drive in the previous over, he played exactly the same shot to his third ball of the day.”
He reminds me a bit of Stokes the batsman: he will always play matchwinning innings because of his talent, but lacks the concentration and ruthlessness of the remorselessly consistent. I suppose if anyone can instil those in him, it’ll be Jacques Kallis. At this stage I’d put him among the second tier of modern keeper-batters in Test cricket, with Gilchrist, Andy Flower and maybe AB de Villiers (I can’t remember, did he play enough games as keeper?) at the top table. But he has the ability to finish with a career average in the high 40s. How about you?
61st over: South Africa 151-7 (de Kock 60, Pretorius 31) “I almost feel guilty for even mentioning the Peter Cook tour de force,” says Brian Withington. “Almost. It’s possibly the most perfect Establishment parody alongside his treatment of Premier Harold Macmillan – would love to have seen him tackle our current PM ‘of the people’.”
Oh my, how good would that be. At least we’ll always have Ben Swain.
60th over: South Africa 151-7 (de Kock 60, Pretorius 31) A wide outswinger from Curran is belted for four by de Kock. He is playing with immaculate judgement as well as his usual flair, and it’s a pleasure to watch. England, who are getting frustrated, plead unsuccessfully for a change of ball. They’ll have to wait another 20 overs for a new one.
“On the pink oboe,” begins Peter Wood. “It was in fact Billy Connolly who passed on this line to Peter Cook before the performance and Cook promptly inserted it (oo-er) into his brilliant near improvisatory monologue. Cook’s touch of genius was to add the words, ‘a confirmed’ (player of the pink oboe.) While we’re on the subject of Cook’s genius, who could forget his brilliant one-liner in Beyond the Fringe as he sits reading a newspaper, ‘ullo, ullo, I see the Titanic’s sunk again.’”
59th over: South Africa 146-7 (de Kock 56, Pretorius 30) de Kock survives a biggish LBW appeal after offering no stroke to a nipbacker from Woakes. It was too high. Joe Root decides to review, which I suspect is a desperate decision. We’ll soon find out.
Yes, replays show it was bouncing over the stumps, so England lose a review. I know this sounds a bit snide, but Eoin Morgan wouldn’t have reviewed that. Root has never been great with DRS, as captain or batsman.
Later in the over de Kock drags Woakes for two to bring up a largely serene fifty partnership with Pretorius. They’ve both played really well.
58th over: South Africa 142-7 (de Kock 53, Pretorius 29) Byootiful stroke from Pretorius, who laces Curran through the covers for four more.
“Hi Rob,” says Ian Forth. “Wasn’t 2003 also the year Martin Bicknell earned the nickname ‘Odysseus’ after wandering around in county cricket for ten years.”
Very good. To my great disappointment, the Jacques Rudolph set-up doesn’t appear to be on YouTube. I did find the OBO, though.
57th over: South Africa 138-7 (de Kock 53, Pretorius 25) Woakes returns after the drinks break. The ball hasn’t really moved this morning, in the air or off the pitch, and batting continues to look very comfortable for de Kock in particular. If he concentrates he should make a hundred.
56th over: South Africa 138-7 (de Kock 53, Pretorius 25) “Some excellent sourdough toast this morning has moved me to compose a dodgy haiku for Mark Wood,” says Kim Thonger.
Mark Wood is famed for
horseplay, but now also for
deeds of derring-do
*slinks off to field at deep fine leg*
55th over: South Africa 137-7 (de Kock 52, Pretorius 25) England don’t look like taking a wicket. Yesterday they beat the bat in almost every over, but this morning there have been few false strokes. The moment I type that, Pretorius plays a couple of windy cross-bat shots at Broad and is beaten.
54th over: South Africa 136-7 (de Kock 51, Pretorius 25) Pretorius steers Curran short of and then through the slips for four. With the match and series apparently a formality, it’s easy to forget the individual context. Pretorius is trying to forge a Test career, and a big score here should secure a place in the squad for the tour of the Caribbean later in the year.
53rd over: South Africa 132-7 (de Kock 51, Pretorius 21) de Kock drives Broad for a couple to reach another stylish fifty, his 21st in Tests. In a struggling team, he’s a rare source of pride. He’s the most beautiful player to watch.
“I can’t think of the last player that made me feel as genuinely chuffed they were in the team as Mark Wood does (probably Tuffers),” says Guy Hornsby. “He seems such an utter anachronism compared to the modern, skillsets and areas players, and so he’s by definition the most refreshing and interesting to see. Of course he’s serious about the game, but it all comes with such joie de vivre that it’s life-affirming to see him fit and playing well. As you say, he’ll never play all the games, but this last two Tests have shown how dangerous he is. You really could see him causing real bother in Australia. Just how can we keep him fit?”
We can’t, so – cliché alert – we really should enjoy every Test as if it’s his last. But it’s hard not to do a little jig around the office at the thought of him and Archer bowling together at the Gabba in November 2021.
52nd over: South Africa 130-7 (de Kock 49, Pretorius 21) Sam Curran replaces Wood, who wasn’t at his sharpest this morning. That’s a decent move, not least because Curran dismissed de Kock in the first innings of the first three Tests. He starts with a maiden to Pretorius, who survives an optimistic LBW appeal. Too high.
“Remember, too, that Rob Key’s England nickname during that halcyon year of 2003 was Ovid, because he used to follow Virgil in the batting order and had a sybaritic lifestyle before his exile (back to county cricket),” says James Debens. “Sorry, I meant his England nickname was Ovoid.”
51st over: South Africa 130-7 (de Kock 49, Pretorius 21) It’s been a comfortable start for South Africa, that soft wicket of Philander aside. With few demons in the pitch and the second new ball not available for another 29 overs, this is a chance for de Kock and Pretorious to cash in.
“Is it cynical to suggest that Root is secretly hoping that SA add a few this morning, to make his inevitable decision not to enforce the follow-on look less absurd?” asks Robert Ellson.
Absurd? That’s a bit harsh. I reckon 98 per cent of Test captains past and present would bat again in this situation. (When I say ‘past’, I mean if they were watching the game in 2020, rather than making the decision in their day.)
50th over: South Africa 128-7 (de Kock 48, Pretorius 20) A short ball from Wood follows de Kock, who bends his back and guides it over first slip for four. He’s a wonderfully skilful batsman.
“Morning Rob,” says Brian Withington. “I think James Debens might have been slyly referencing Peter Cook’s immortal take on the judge summing up for the jury in the Jeremy Thorpe trial. I seem to recall that the obo(e) in question was pink.”
A-ha. Outed as a philistine, again.
49th over: South Africa 123-7 (de Kock 43, Pretorius 20) Pretorius softens his hands to guide Broad to the third man boundary. South Africa need 201 to avoid the follow on, though I’m almost certain England won’t enforce it anyway.
“Good morning Rob,” says Kim Thonger. “I noticed numerous quotes yesterday, mostly in Latin, attributed to Virgil. This reminded me that Michael Vaughan was apparently nicknamed ‘Virgil’ for his likeness to the Thunderbirds character, whose specialist expertise of course included demolition, heavy lifting and logistics, but not, to my knowledge, Latin.”
Ha. That’s one for the Forgotten Nicknames XI. Since reading your email I’ve experienced a Proustian rush of memories from 2003 – mainly of my old Channel 4 editor, Duncan Steer, referring to Virgil Vaughan. I’m right there, right now, in a proto-hipster office in Camden with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ debut album playing in the background. And my hair is to die for. All that from a nickname.
48th over: South Africa 119-7 (de Kock 43, Pretorius 16) A short blast of hot hot heat from Wood. An excellent short ball to de Kock takes a leading edge and lands safely in front of Wood. He follows that with a full-length ball that finds the edge and flies through the vacant third slip area for four.
“Such is Mark Wood’s charisma that I give an extra two pounds to the Big Issue seller who bears an extremely striking resemblance to him,” says James Debens. “You know, the one with the immaculate dentistry who stands outside Co-op and has an iPhone XR that he checks on the sly (a self-confessed player of the OBO perhaps)?”
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47th over: South Africa 113-7 (de Kock 37, Pretorius 16) Broad replaces Woakes and almost strikes with his first ball, which de Kock edges a fraction short of first slip. Then Pretorius, who has started imperiously, drives Broad to the cover boundary with a flourish. He has 16 from 11 balls.
“Hi Rob,” says Bill Hargreaves. “Jolly good morning to you. I’m christening a new tea pot – with pictures of cows on the side. That is a lovely interview between Ward, Wood and Broad. (Lovely name for a legal practice, too.) It might be naive of me, but I think I enjoy watching a victory if I think the chaps have conducted themselves decently, although I’m totally against judgement (part of my profession), if that isn’t an oxymoron. I think that all possible misdemeanours should be judged against: 1) was it premeditated 2) was it done to attempt to gain competitive advantage. Any issue not gaining both strikes should be struck off, especially when the chap apologises as nicely as Ben Stokes did.”
46th over: South Africa 108-7 (de Kock 36, Pretorius 12) I don’t know about you, but I assumed Mark Wood’s Test career was over, so this is such an uplifting development. He’s getting on a wee bit – he turned 30 earlier in the month – but he’s now a serious option for the tours of India and Australia next year. If he can play three of the five Tests in each of those series, England will be very happy. They might even win a game!
Back in the year 2020, de Kock drives Wood confidently for three. Pretorius sees that stroke and raises it with a lovely drive for four. With a first-class average of 37.50, he’s a bit overqualified to beat at No9.
45th over: South Africa 100-7 (de Kock 33, Pretorius 7) Pretorius thumps Woakes through mid-off for four. And why not?
44th over: South Africa 95-7 (de Kock 33, Pretorius 2) Wood bowls a maiden to de Kock. Decent pace, mainly in the high 80s. He’ll be desperate for another five-for this morning.
“‘Internally I was buzzing but externally you’ve got to act cool, tap the pitch and stuff like that,’” says Abhijato Sensarma, quoting Mark Wood’s interview before play. “This reminds me of the time my club sent me out as a 10-year-old pinch-hitting opener. I was the youngest guy in the side and their regular No11. So when almost an hour later I was the last to be dismissed after making a stoic 20-something while all the adolescents collapsed at the other end, I received a thousand unlikely pats on my back for my batting. The opposition collapsed too, but eventually won with only a wicket to spare. It was terrible cricket, yet it was wonderful.”
43rd over: South Africa 95-7 (de Kock 33, Pretorius 2) South Africa are a mess. It’s sad to see, and also a little bewildering given how well they played in the first two Tests.
WICKET! South Africa 93-7 (Philander c Broad b Woakes 4)
Chris Woakes will open the bowling, a nice reward for a high-class performance yesterday. And he needs only three balls to take the first wicket of the day! It was a poor delivery in truth, well outside leg stump, but Woakes won’t care. Philander tried to help it on its way, was through the shot too early and got a leading edge to mid-off.
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42nd over: South Africa 88-6 (de Kock 32, Philander 0) Wood has one delivery remaining of his ninth over, having dismissed Nortje with the last ball of yesterday’s play. He bowls it to the new batsman Vernon Philander, who defends solidly.
Mark Wood makes the world a better place department
There’s a lovely interview with Wood and Stuart Broad on Sky right now.
Ian Ward Gentlemen, good morning. Mark Wood, genuine allrounder?
Mark Wood Ah, it’s nice to get a few. I’ll take it. ‘Genuine allrounder’ – I’ll take it.
Ian Ward Now, did you allow your wife to speak you last night or were you too busy watching yourself on the highlights?
Mark Wood I got the highlights in, don’t worry about that! Ah it was good, I actually gave Sarah a mention in the press conference. They said, ‘You’ve done a bit of work on your batting’ and I said, ‘Ah my wife fed us on the bowling machine a few times’, so I think we’re even.
Ian Ward (pointing at Broad) You were on time for this interview, he wasn’t. Why?
Broad I mean, to quote Mark Wood in the changing-room: ‘When I’m playing this well, the press can wait for me!’
Wood You two have set me up an absolute treat here! Wow.
Broad He is playing well though.
Ward What was your favourite shot?
Wood Ah, the six over cover! Internally I was buzzing but externally you’ve got to act cool, tap the pitch and stuff like that.
Preamble
Morning. Even the pessimists think this is a done deal. England were so dominant yesterday that it’s hard to see anything other than a third consecutive victory. If that happens, it will be the first time since the 1954-55 Ashes that England have come from behind to win an overseas series 3-1.
Then, as now, one of the stars was an injury-prone fast bowler. Mark Wood doesn’t sledge people by quoting Wordsworth, as Frank Tyson did, but they do have the same appetite for destruction and ability to bowl in excess of 95mph. And although his record is nowhere near as good – Tyson averaged 18.56 from his 17 Tests – Wood’s performances since his recall in St Lucia last year have evoked the mythical devastation of Tyson in that Ashes series.
It’s a small sample size, for sure, but 12 wickets at 14.75 is eyecatching stuff. He was far too hot for South Africa yesterday, taking three of the six wickets that fell in the evening session, and he’ll be eyeing another five-for this morning. South Africa will resume on 88 for six, still 312 runs behind in a match they need to win. It’s a long way back from here.
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